1
00:00:32,279 --> 00:00:35,999
<i> It has been said that
magic vanished from our world</i>

2
00:00:36,078 --> 00:00:37,359
<i>a long time ago,</i>

3
00:00:37,518 --> 00:00:41,238
<i>and that humanity can no
longer fulfill its desires</i>

4
00:00:41,319 --> 00:00:43,278
<i>through the power of wishes.</i>

5
00:00:43,438 --> 00:00:47,278
<i>To those who have lost the
wondrous vision of childhood eyes,</i>

6
00:00:47,398 --> 00:00:51,038
<i>submitted here is
the story of a little boy</i>

7
00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:53,438
<i>and a magical
Christmas wish</i>

8
00:00:53,519 --> 00:00:56,439
<i>that changed
his life forever.</i>

9
00:00:59,238 --> 00:01:03,718
<i>It began in 1985, in a
town just outside Boston.</i>

10
00:01:04,878 --> 00:01:09,599
<i>It was Christmas Eve, and all the
children were in high spirits.</i>

11
00:01:09,678 --> 00:01:11,678
<i>That special time of year</i>

12
00:01:11,759 --> 00:01:13,918
<i>when Boston children
gather together</i>

13
00:01:14,078 --> 00:01:15,759
<i>and beat up the Jewish kids.</i>

14
00:01:15,879 --> 00:01:16,999
Hey, Greenbaum!

15
00:01:17,279 --> 00:01:18,239
Uh-oh.

16
00:01:18,318 --> 00:01:19,278
Get him!

17
00:01:23,478 --> 00:01:26,999
<i>But there was one child who
wasn't in such good spirits.</i>

18
00:01:27,078 --> 00:01:28,758
<i>Little John Bennett,</i>

19
00:01:28,838 --> 00:01:30,918
<i>that one boy in
every neighborhood</i>

20
00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:33,599
<i>who just has a tough time
making friends.</i>

21
00:01:33,958 --> 00:01:35,438
Hey, guys, can I play?

22
00:01:35,519 --> 00:01:36,599
Get out of here, Bennett.

23
00:01:36,678 --> 00:01:37,678
Get lost, Bennett!

24
00:01:37,758 --> 00:01:38,679
Get out of here, Bennett!

25
00:01:38,758 --> 00:01:40,198
Yeah, Bennett,
get lost.

26
00:01:43,199 --> 00:01:45,478
<i>John longed
with all his heart</i>

27
00:01:45,558 --> 00:01:48,638
<i>for that one, true friend
that he could call his own.</i>

28
00:01:49,158 --> 00:01:52,758
<i>And he knew that if he
ever found that friend,</i>

29
00:01:52,838 --> 00:01:54,798
<i>he would never let him go.</i>

30
00:01:57,118 --> 00:02:01,318
<i>Well, as it does every year,
Christmas morning finally came.</i>

31
00:02:01,638 --> 00:02:05,478
<i>All the children were opening
their gifts with holiday glee.</i>

32
00:02:12,798 --> 00:02:14,599
<i>And for little John Bennett,</i>

33
00:02:14,678 --> 00:02:19,078
<i>Christmas Day brought a
very special new arrival.</i>

34
00:02:23,958 --> 00:02:25,678
Wow!

35
00:02:25,758 --> 00:02:28,358
I guess Santa paid attention to
how good you were this year, huh?

36
00:02:28,438 --> 00:02:30,278
Aw! Merry Christmas, John.

37
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:32,398
<i>I love you!</i>

38
00:02:32,958 --> 00:02:34,318
He talks!

39
00:02:35,758 --> 00:02:37,919
I'm going to
name you Teddy.

40
00:02:39,958 --> 00:02:43,478
<i> John became
instantly attached to Teddy.</i>

41
00:02:43,558 --> 00:02:45,998
<i>There was something
about that bear</i>

42
00:02:46,078 --> 00:02:49,398
<i>that made him feel as if
he finally had a friend</i>

43
00:02:49,478 --> 00:02:52,718
<i>with whom he could share
his deepest secrets.</i>

44
00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:54,158
<i>I love you!</i>

45
00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:56,678
I love you, too, Teddy.

46
00:02:57,478 --> 00:03:01,118
You know, I wish you
could really talk to me.

47
00:03:01,278 --> 00:03:05,278
Because then, we could be best
friends forever and ever.

48
00:03:06,238 --> 00:03:09,198
<i> Now, if there's one
thing you can be sure of,</i>

49
00:03:09,278 --> 00:03:13,838
<i>it's that nothing is more
powerful than a young boy's wish.</i>

50
00:03:14,398 --> 00:03:16,438
<i>Except an Apache helicopter.</i>

51
00:03:16,518 --> 00:03:19,878
<i>An Apache helicopter has
machine guns and missiles.</i>

52
00:03:19,958 --> 00:03:23,478
<i>It is an unbelievably impressive
complement of weaponry,</i>

53
00:03:23,558 --> 00:03:26,398
<i>an absolute death machine.</i>

54
00:03:27,238 --> 00:03:28,918
<i>Well, as it turned out,</i>

55
00:03:28,998 --> 00:03:32,318
<i>John picked the perfect
night to make a wish.</i>

56
00:04:08,438 --> 00:04:09,598
Teddy?

57
00:04:13,278 --> 00:04:14,518
Teddy?

58
00:04:18,798 --> 00:04:19,837
Teddy?

59
00:04:27,917 --> 00:04:28,958
Hug me.

60
00:04:30,117 --> 00:04:32,238
You're my best friend, John.

61
00:04:32,518 --> 00:04:34,958
Did you...
Did you just talk?

62
00:04:35,038 --> 00:04:36,437
Don't look so surprised.

63
00:04:36,518 --> 00:04:38,518
You're the one who wished
for it, aren't you?

64
00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:42,558
Yeah.
I did wish for it.

65
00:04:42,838 --> 00:04:44,438
Well, here I am.

66
00:04:44,517 --> 00:04:47,438
You mean, we get to be
best friends for real?

67
00:04:47,518 --> 00:04:48,798
For real.

68
00:04:48,998 --> 00:04:50,198
Forever and ever?

69
00:04:50,478 --> 00:04:51,718
Sounds good to me.

70
00:04:53,317 --> 00:04:56,477
<i> John was just about
the happiest boy in the world</i>

71
00:04:56,558 --> 00:04:59,918
<i>and he couldn't wait to tell
everyone the good news.</i>

72
00:05:00,238 --> 00:05:02,917
Mom, Dad, guess what?
My teddy bear's alive!

73
00:05:04,198 --> 00:05:05,878
Really? Well, isn't
that exciting.

74
00:05:05,958 --> 00:05:08,237
No, Mom, he's really alive.
Look.

75
00:05:08,918 --> 00:05:10,678
Merry Christmas,
everybody.

76
00:05:12,357 --> 00:05:13,398
Jesus H. Fuck!

77
00:05:13,638 --> 00:05:15,038
Let's all be best friends.

78
00:05:15,117 --> 00:05:16,077
Oh, my God!

79
00:05:16,158 --> 00:05:18,078
John, get away from that thing.
Get over here right now.

80
00:05:18,158 --> 00:05:19,598
But, Dad...
Get over here!

81
00:05:19,878 --> 00:05:21,157
Listen to your father!
Come here!

82
00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,038
Helen, get my gun.
Dad, no!

83
00:05:23,118 --> 00:05:24,238
Is it a hugging gun?

84
00:05:24,317 --> 00:05:25,837
Helen, get my gun,
and call the police!

85
00:05:26,077 --> 00:05:29,038
I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett, I
didn't mean to scare anybody.

86
00:05:29,198 --> 00:05:31,198
I just wanted John
and I to be friends.

87
00:05:31,277 --> 00:05:34,597
Yeah, Dad, I made a wish last
night that Teddy was alive

88
00:05:34,678 --> 00:05:35,918
and my wish came true.

89
00:05:37,597 --> 00:05:39,237
Oh, my God!

90
00:05:40,438 --> 00:05:41,997
It's a miracle.

91
00:05:42,837 --> 00:05:45,317
It's a Christmas miracle.

92
00:05:46,038 --> 00:05:48,518
You're just like
the Baby Jesus.

93
00:05:49,078 --> 00:05:52,997
<i> Well, it wasn't long before
the story of John's little miracle</i>

94
00:05:53,078 --> 00:05:54,757
<i>was sweeping the nation.</i>

95
00:05:54,917 --> 00:05:56,117
Out of a Boston suburb

96
00:05:56,198 --> 00:05:58,877
comes what is, without a doubt,
the most incredible story...

97
00:05:59,037 --> 00:06:00,758
A young boy's stuffed animal

98
00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:03,358
has magically come to life for,
as yet, unknown reasons...

99
00:06:03,517 --> 00:06:07,917
Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!
Look what Jesus did!

100
00:06:08,558 --> 00:06:11,958
<i> Before long, Teddy
had become a huge celebrity</i>

101
00:06:12,037 --> 00:06:13,397
<i>in his own right.</i>

102
00:06:18,438 --> 00:06:19,557
Hello, Teddy.

103
00:06:23,478 --> 00:06:26,197
You... you are a...
You surprise me.

104
00:06:26,798 --> 00:06:28,917
For some reason I thought you
were going to be taller.

105
00:06:28,998 --> 00:06:31,318
I thought you were
going to be funnier.

106
00:06:34,917 --> 00:06:37,117
<i> But through
all the fame,</i>

107
00:06:37,198 --> 00:06:41,117
<i>Teddy never forgot
his very best friend, John.</i>

108
00:06:41,198 --> 00:06:43,717
The thunder
can't get us, right?

109
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:47,317
Nope, we're thunder buddies,
and the thunder knows it.

110
00:06:47,397 --> 00:06:48,837
We're totally safe.

111
00:06:49,757 --> 00:06:50,717
Teddy?

112
00:06:51,037 --> 00:06:51,997
Yeah, John?

113
00:06:52,158 --> 00:06:54,638
Do you promise we'll
always be together?

114
00:06:55,237 --> 00:06:56,597
I promise.

115
00:06:59,077 --> 00:07:01,317
Thunder buddies for life.

116
00:07:01,837 --> 00:07:04,317
Thunder buddies for life.

117
00:07:05,797 --> 00:07:10,477
<i>And that was a promise that
neither one of them ever forgot.</i>

118
00:07:11,397 --> 00:07:14,357
<i>So, where are
John and Teddy today?</i>

119
00:07:14,437 --> 00:07:16,438
<i>Well, let me
put it this way.</i>

120
00:07:16,517 --> 00:07:19,598
<i>No matter how big a splash
you make in this world,</i>

121
00:07:19,677 --> 00:07:23,438
<i>whether you're Corey Feldman,
Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber,</i>

122
00:07:23,517 --> 00:07:25,277
<i>or a talking teddy bear,</i>

123
00:07:25,358 --> 00:07:27,877
<i>eventually,
nobody gives a shit.</i>

124
00:09:55,117 --> 00:09:56,837
<i>Do I dare look
at the clock?</i>

125
00:09:57,196 --> 00:10:00,797
Look, all I'm saying is that
Boston women are, on the whole,

126
00:10:00,877 --> 00:10:04,117
a paler, uglier sort than women
from the elsewheres of life.

127
00:10:04,357 --> 00:10:05,797
That's bullshit. What about Lori?
She's hot.

128
00:10:05,877 --> 00:10:07,877
No, Lori's from Pennsylvania.
That's not a Boston girl.

129
00:10:07,997 --> 00:10:08,996
They're not that bad.

130
00:10:09,157 --> 00:10:11,317
See, the fact that you have
to say they're not that bad

131
00:10:11,397 --> 00:10:12,677
means that
they are that bad.

132
00:10:12,957 --> 00:10:14,957
Did you ever hear a Boston
girl have an orgasm?

133
00:10:15,036 --> 00:10:19,197
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
Harder! Harder!

134
00:10:19,276 --> 00:10:21,117
Oh, God,
that was so good!

135
00:10:21,196 --> 00:10:24,277
Now I'm going to stuff my fucking
face with Pepperidge Farm!

136
00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:28,876
Jesus, this is weak.

137
00:10:29,036 --> 00:10:32,397
It's not even getting me high. I got
to have a talk with my weed guy.

138
00:10:32,477 --> 00:10:33,437
It's working for me.

139
00:10:33,517 --> 00:10:35,037
I think it sucks. I'm going
to have a talk with him.

140
00:10:35,117 --> 00:10:37,277
I don't know that you want to go
to a drug dealer with complaints.

141
00:10:37,357 --> 00:10:40,157
No. I know this guy a long time.
I've known him since 9/11.

142
00:10:40,237 --> 00:10:42,797
You remember? I was, like, "Oh, shit, 9/11.
I got to get high."

143
00:10:43,077 --> 00:10:44,597
Is it 9:30?
Yeah.

144
00:10:44,676 --> 00:10:46,156
Shit, I got to
get to work!

145
00:10:46,436 --> 00:10:47,877
I don't know
if I can drive!

146
00:10:48,117 --> 00:10:50,077
It's okay, I'll drive you.
I feel fine.

147
00:11:11,877 --> 00:11:13,797
Fuck!
Shit.

148
00:11:13,876 --> 00:11:14,877
Oh, man!

149
00:11:15,037 --> 00:11:18,396
Johnny, I'm sorry, man. That
car just came out of nowhere.

150
00:11:18,517 --> 00:11:19,877
God, is it bad?

151
00:11:20,917 --> 00:11:21,917
Oh, man!

152
00:11:22,437 --> 00:11:25,477
John! May I speak
with you, please?

153
00:11:25,556 --> 00:11:26,516
Shit.

154
00:11:26,597 --> 00:11:27,957
It's all right, go, go, go.
I'll pull out of here.

155
00:11:28,037 --> 00:11:29,197
Hi, Thomas, how are you?

156
00:11:42,477 --> 00:11:43,437
Asshole!

157
00:11:43,516 --> 00:11:45,877
That's my bad.
I was sending a tweet.

158
00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:49,877
John, it's almost 10:00.

159
00:11:50,557 --> 00:11:52,517
I know, sir, I'm sorry.
It wasn't my fault.

160
00:11:53,396 --> 00:11:54,437
What do you mean?

161
00:11:57,597 --> 00:12:00,837
I guess I wasn't really prepared
for a follow-up question.

162
00:12:01,717 --> 00:12:04,196
John, all you got to do
is not fuck up

163
00:12:04,277 --> 00:12:06,676
and you get my job when I
go to corporate next month.

164
00:12:06,757 --> 00:12:08,356
You're the new
branch manager.

165
00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:10,357
All you've got to do
is not fuck up.

166
00:12:10,437 --> 00:12:11,876
I realize that.
Good.

167
00:12:12,237 --> 00:12:13,836
Glad to hear it.

168
00:12:13,956 --> 00:12:17,516
Because in a month,
my life could be your life.

169
00:12:17,597 --> 00:12:20,436
A cushy, $38,000-a-year
branch manager

170
00:12:20,516 --> 00:12:23,477
who's personal friends
with Tom Skerritt.

171
00:12:23,556 --> 00:12:25,117
Not a bad life, is it?

172
00:12:25,636 --> 00:12:26,757
No.

173
00:12:27,556 --> 00:12:29,557
I'm going to show you something
that I don't like to show people

174
00:12:29,637 --> 00:12:32,277
because I don't want them
treating me differently.

175
00:12:35,076 --> 00:12:37,077
Boom.
That's me and Skerritt.

176
00:12:37,316 --> 00:12:38,317
Wow.

177
00:12:38,396 --> 00:12:39,957
Goddamn right, "Wow."

178
00:12:40,396 --> 00:12:41,877
I'm gonna dock you
for dinging the car

179
00:12:41,956 --> 00:12:43,357
and for showing up
late today, all right?

180
00:12:43,716 --> 00:12:45,516
Try and be a little more
responsible tomorrow.

181
00:12:45,597 --> 00:12:47,116
I will, sir, I promise.

182
00:12:48,477 --> 00:12:49,677
I'm not going to
let you down, Goose.

183
00:12:50,517 --> 00:12:51,477
What?

184
00:12:52,116 --> 00:12:53,076
<i>Top Gun.</i>

185
00:12:53,716 --> 00:12:54,716
So?

186
00:12:55,396 --> 00:12:56,356
Tom Skerritt.

187
00:12:57,237 --> 00:12:58,436
I know that.

188
00:12:58,636 --> 00:12:59,636
Get out of here, okay?

189
00:12:59,756 --> 00:13:00,756
Thank you, sir.

190
00:13:01,357 --> 00:13:03,636
All right, here's your keys,
your rental agreement,

191
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,356
complimentary
map of Boston.

192
00:13:05,636 --> 00:13:07,876
Thank you for choosing Liberty.
Drive safely.

193
00:13:07,957 --> 00:13:09,636
Thanks.
Thanks so much.

194
00:13:11,077 --> 00:13:12,356
I heard you got busted.

195
00:13:13,157 --> 00:13:15,357
Jesus, Guy, you look like shit, man.
What happened?

196
00:13:15,596 --> 00:13:18,476
I don't know, I got fucking
wasted last night.

197
00:13:18,556 --> 00:13:22,156
My phone says I texted someone at
3:15, asking them to beat me up.

198
00:13:22,556 --> 00:13:26,116
And then, at 4:30, I texted the
same person saying, "Thanks."

199
00:13:26,317 --> 00:13:27,277
And you don't remember it?

200
00:13:27,476 --> 00:13:28,596
No, same as last time.

201
00:13:28,956 --> 00:13:30,756
It just seems kind
of gay, doesn't it?

202
00:13:31,236 --> 00:13:32,676
I don't know.
Maybe, yeah.

203
00:13:32,757 --> 00:13:35,076
Well, do you think you're part
of some gay beat-up underworld?

204
00:13:35,156 --> 00:13:37,076
Like one of those gay
beat-up clubs or something?

205
00:13:37,356 --> 00:13:38,836
I don't know.
I dig chicks, man.

206
00:13:38,916 --> 00:13:40,756
I don't remember any of it.
I was so fucked up.

207
00:13:40,836 --> 00:13:41,916
I might be gay,
I don't know.

208
00:13:41,996 --> 00:13:43,516
Do you mind covering
for me for a bit?

209
00:13:43,597 --> 00:13:45,076
I might go lay down
in the john.

210
00:13:45,237 --> 00:13:46,676
Hey, buddies.
Where is it hanging?

211
00:13:46,757 --> 00:13:48,277
Hey, Alix, what's up? You
get in the club last night?

212
00:13:48,476 --> 00:13:51,756
I didn't get in because
the bouncer was douche-face.

213
00:13:51,837 --> 00:13:53,156
But I made friends
in the line.

214
00:13:53,356 --> 00:13:54,476
That's good, I guess.

215
00:13:54,556 --> 00:13:57,076
Hey, guys, anybody
know a nice restaurant,

216
00:13:57,156 --> 00:13:58,116
like something
where they give out

217
00:13:58,196 --> 00:13:59,396
free bubblegum
in the bathrooms?

218
00:13:59,556 --> 00:14:00,556
For what?

219
00:14:00,636 --> 00:14:02,036
Lori and I have been dating
four years tomorrow.

220
00:14:02,117 --> 00:14:03,716
I want to take her
someplace really nice.

221
00:14:03,836 --> 00:14:05,436
Aw, congratulations, John.

222
00:14:05,557 --> 00:14:07,236
You guys have been
going out for four years?

223
00:14:07,396 --> 00:14:09,236
My longest relationship
was like six months

224
00:14:09,316 --> 00:14:10,716
and then she farted
in her sleep.

225
00:14:10,796 --> 00:14:13,436
I'm like, "I'm out of here, man."
I was gone before she woke up.

226
00:14:13,796 --> 00:14:15,557
You're not
very tolerant, huh?

227
00:14:15,876 --> 00:14:16,996
Lori ever fart
in front of you?

228
00:14:17,077 --> 00:14:18,076
Yeah.

229
00:14:19,116 --> 00:14:20,996
Really?
Yeah, many times.

230
00:14:21,716 --> 00:14:23,396
You Italian?
No.

231
00:14:24,757 --> 00:14:25,756
Why?

232
00:14:26,276 --> 00:14:27,756
Never mind.
Take her to Benihana.

233
00:14:27,916 --> 00:14:29,716
John, look, don't you
think after four years

234
00:14:29,796 --> 00:14:31,836
maybe she's hoping for
something more than dinner?

235
00:14:31,916 --> 00:14:32,956
Like what?

236
00:14:33,036 --> 00:14:36,876
I don't know, but if it were me,
I'd be expecting a proposal.

237
00:14:37,237 --> 00:14:39,396
Come on, nobody's expecting
anybody to propose.

238
00:14:39,476 --> 00:14:40,797
I mean, marriage isn't...

239
00:14:41,956 --> 00:14:44,356
Isn't love enough? I submit
that love is enough.

240
00:14:44,676 --> 00:14:47,396
You can put the ring in her
ass, let her fart it out.

241
00:14:54,476 --> 00:14:56,476
So bad, but so good.

242
00:14:57,716 --> 00:14:59,156
Hey, by the way,
don't let me forget,

243
00:14:59,236 --> 00:15:00,436
you and I got to
nail down a plan

244
00:15:00,516 --> 00:15:01,956
for the Bruins game
tomorrow night.

245
00:15:02,116 --> 00:15:04,156
No, I can't.
I'm taking Lori to dinner.

246
00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:05,196
For what?

247
00:15:05,276 --> 00:15:07,156
Well, we've been dating
four years tomorrow.

248
00:15:07,236 --> 00:15:08,596
Oh, fuck me. Nice.

249
00:15:08,996 --> 00:15:10,516
Let me ask you something.

250
00:15:10,596 --> 00:15:11,756
You don't think
she's going to be

251
00:15:11,836 --> 00:15:13,156
expecting something big,
do you?

252
00:15:13,556 --> 00:15:14,516
What, like anal?

253
00:15:14,596 --> 00:15:17,596
No, like a fucking circular
gold thing on her finger.

254
00:15:17,716 --> 00:15:20,276
Oh, fuck that! It's been
four years, Johnny.

255
00:15:20,356 --> 00:15:22,116
You and me have been
together for 27 years.

256
00:15:22,196 --> 00:15:24,996
Where's my ring?
Where's my ring, asshole?

257
00:15:25,076 --> 00:15:26,876
Where's my ring, motherfucker?
Stop it. Come on!

258
00:15:26,956 --> 00:15:29,196
Put it on my fuzzy finger,
you fuck! Come on!

259
00:15:29,276 --> 00:15:30,276
All right,
knock it off!

260
00:15:30,476 --> 00:15:31,596
All right,
I'm just saying.

261
00:15:31,676 --> 00:15:34,436
But do you think she might be expecting
me to make that kind of a move?

262
00:15:34,516 --> 00:15:37,676
No, I don't think she is. And, not
only that, it's the wrong time.

263
00:15:37,956 --> 00:15:40,116
It's a terrible idea. I
mean, you got the economy.

264
00:15:40,195 --> 00:15:42,115
You got the credit bubble,
the Supreme Court.

265
00:15:42,196 --> 00:15:43,196
I mean, look at Haiti.

266
00:15:43,556 --> 00:15:45,236
I guess I didn't
think about that.

267
00:15:45,316 --> 00:15:46,996
Well, that's...
It's a factor.

268
00:15:47,476 --> 00:15:48,516
<i>Who are you?</i>

269
00:15:48,756 --> 00:15:51,996
<i>Flash Gordon. Quarterback,
New York Jets.</i>

270
00:15:52,356 --> 00:15:54,436
This is the American
fantasy, right here.

271
00:15:54,516 --> 00:15:58,196
A professional NFL player is
called upon to save the world.

272
00:15:58,276 --> 00:16:00,316
Tom Brady could do that.
Tom Brady could do that!

273
00:16:01,476 --> 00:16:02,996
Hey.
Hey, sweetie.

274
00:16:03,076 --> 00:16:04,036
Hey, Lori.

275
00:16:04,116 --> 00:16:05,796
Hi.
Hi.

276
00:16:05,996 --> 00:16:06,996
What do you got there?

277
00:16:07,075 --> 00:16:08,076
Turkey burgers.

278
00:16:08,156 --> 00:16:09,156
Turkey burgers.

279
00:16:09,236 --> 00:16:11,756
Are we having homosexuals
over for dinner tonight?

280
00:16:12,356 --> 00:16:13,916
Ha-ha. No, just you homos.

281
00:16:14,116 --> 00:16:15,196
Whoa!
Whoa!

282
00:16:15,756 --> 00:16:18,756
You kind of just reworded my
joke, but, uh...

283
00:16:18,836 --> 00:16:19,796
How was work?

284
00:16:19,916 --> 00:16:21,036
It was fine.

285
00:16:21,116 --> 00:16:22,435
How's your dickhead boss?

286
00:16:22,836 --> 00:16:23,796
Rex is fine.

287
00:16:23,876 --> 00:16:26,555
He only hit on me once today,
so, it's a good thing.

288
00:16:26,796 --> 00:16:28,276
Hey, Johnny,
how about a beer?

289
00:16:28,356 --> 00:16:29,676
A couple of
Charles Brew-kowskis?

290
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:31,476
Couple of Brew-stoyevskis?

291
00:16:31,556 --> 00:16:33,436
Maybe a Mike Brew-gaslowski?

292
00:16:33,516 --> 00:16:34,915
Perhaps a Tedy Brew-ski?

293
00:16:34,996 --> 00:16:35,956
That's a good one.

294
00:16:36,036 --> 00:16:39,276
You know what, I think I, too,
want a Martina Navrati-brewski.

295
00:16:39,356 --> 00:16:40,395
No, that doesn't work.

296
00:16:40,476 --> 00:16:41,476
Don't ruin it. No.

297
00:16:41,676 --> 00:16:42,875
Bullshit!
That totally works.

298
00:16:42,956 --> 00:16:43,916
No, no.

299
00:16:43,996 --> 00:16:45,316
Yeah, it does.
It doesn't work.

300
00:16:45,396 --> 00:16:46,676
The name has to have
a "ski" at the end of it

301
00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:49,076
and you just put "brewski" at the
end of "Martina Navratilova," so...

302
00:16:49,156 --> 00:16:50,876
I just thought we
were saying funny names.

303
00:16:51,036 --> 00:16:53,116
No, it has to have
a "ski" at the end of it.

304
00:16:53,196 --> 00:16:54,356
Otherwise,
where's the challenge?

305
00:16:54,516 --> 00:16:56,595
If there's no "ski" at
the end of the root word

306
00:16:56,676 --> 00:16:59,475
then we would just be
idiots saying nonsense.

307
00:17:08,356 --> 00:17:09,316
Hey.

308
00:17:09,556 --> 00:17:10,875
They found
the missing hikers.

309
00:17:10,956 --> 00:17:11,955
They did?

310
00:17:12,036 --> 00:17:12,996
Yeah.
What happened?

311
00:17:13,436 --> 00:17:14,636
They said
they got separated

312
00:17:14,715 --> 00:17:16,195
and one of them had his
foot stuck under a rock

313
00:17:16,276 --> 00:17:17,556
for like, five days.

314
00:17:17,636 --> 00:17:18,996
Wow.
Mmm.

315
00:17:19,436 --> 00:17:22,795
You know, if your leg got
trapped under a rock

316
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:24,315
I'd chew it off
to get you free.

317
00:17:25,275 --> 00:17:26,196
You would?

318
00:17:26,276 --> 00:17:27,315
I sure would.

319
00:17:27,396 --> 00:17:28,796
Is that cannibalism?

320
00:17:28,876 --> 00:17:31,236
No, I think it's only
cannibalism if you swallow.

321
00:17:31,315 --> 00:17:32,436
Oh, yeah, no!

322
00:17:32,515 --> 00:17:34,195
Don't worry about that,
because I don't swallow.

323
00:17:34,475 --> 00:17:35,996
Really? 'Cause
that's not what I heard.

324
00:17:36,235 --> 00:17:38,995
Well, it's not true, okay?
I'm a classy broad.

325
00:17:39,076 --> 00:17:40,075
Yeah.

326
00:17:40,515 --> 00:17:42,356
I can see that.

327
00:17:42,435 --> 00:17:44,276
Listen,
speaking of classy,

328
00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:46,395
Ciao Bella is a really
expensive restaurant.

329
00:17:46,476 --> 00:17:49,236
So, we can go
anywhere else tomorrow.

330
00:17:49,316 --> 00:17:51,355
I really don't care,
as long as we're together.

331
00:17:51,916 --> 00:17:53,436
Are you kidding me?

332
00:17:53,515 --> 00:17:55,195
No, no, no. Four years,
we've been going out.

333
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:57,475
I'm taking you to
the best place in town.

334
00:17:58,236 --> 00:17:59,596
You know I love you.

335
00:18:00,436 --> 00:18:02,396
I love you, too.
And you're nasty.

336
00:18:02,595 --> 00:18:04,436
Do you want to get nasty?

337
00:18:04,515 --> 00:18:06,476
You're a nasty girl.

338
00:18:11,515 --> 00:18:12,435
I don't understand.

339
00:18:12,516 --> 00:18:15,116
Thirty-five years old and you're
still scared of a little thunder.

340
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,675
I am not!

341
00:18:19,076 --> 00:18:20,916
Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
Fucking right.

342
00:18:20,996 --> 00:18:22,836
Let's sing the thunder song.
All right.

343
00:18:22,916 --> 00:18:25,956
<i>When you hear the sound
of thunder Don't you get too scared</i>

344
00:18:26,035 --> 00:18:29,475
<i>Just grab your thunder buddy
And say these magic words</i>

345
00:18:29,835 --> 00:18:33,035
<i>Fuck you, thunder
You can suck my dick</i>

346
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:35,956
<i>You can't get me, thunder
'Cause you're just God's farts</i>

347
00:18:37,275 --> 00:18:38,235
Ugh!

348
00:18:39,595 --> 00:18:41,876
Hey, Lori, can you set
the alarm for 11:00 A.M.?

349
00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:43,595
I've got a lot of
stuff to do tomorrow.

350
00:18:56,315 --> 00:18:57,315
Good morning, Lori.

351
00:18:57,516 --> 00:18:59,036
Good morning.

352
00:19:04,116 --> 00:19:05,835
Okay. You okay
there, sweetheart?

353
00:19:05,915 --> 00:19:07,796
You look a
little flustered.

354
00:19:07,875 --> 00:19:08,876
I'm fine, I'm fine,

355
00:19:08,955 --> 00:19:11,035
I just didn't have time for
breakfast and the garage was full,

356
00:19:11,115 --> 00:19:13,195
oh, and that's right, my boyfriend
can't sleep through a thunderstorm

357
00:19:13,276 --> 00:19:14,435
without his teddy bear.

358
00:19:14,796 --> 00:19:16,436
I don't understand why you
keep putting up with him.

359
00:19:16,515 --> 00:19:20,035
Yeah, I mean, the guy's 35, and he's
working for a rental car service.

360
00:19:20,395 --> 00:19:21,875
You know, you guys,
it's really not about that.

361
00:19:21,955 --> 00:19:24,915
I don't care about that. I mean,
I'd love him if he was a janitor.

362
00:19:24,995 --> 00:19:28,395
<i>I mean, he has a huge
heart and we laugh a lot.</i>

363
00:19:28,475 --> 00:19:31,635
It's just a bonus that he's
the hottest guy in Boston.

364
00:19:31,835 --> 00:19:33,635
I don't know. I just wish he
would get his life together.

365
00:19:33,835 --> 00:19:36,035
Our life.
And he can't.

366
00:19:36,155 --> 00:19:38,516
And, I swear to God,
it is because of that bear.

367
00:19:38,676 --> 00:19:41,475
You should give him an ultimatum.
It's you or the bear.

368
00:19:41,715 --> 00:19:44,675
No, I can't do that.
That would devastate him.

369
00:19:44,755 --> 00:19:48,195
Besides,
what if he chose Ted?

370
00:19:48,515 --> 00:19:49,475
Well, hello there.

371
00:19:49,636 --> 00:19:51,635
Sorry if I'm interrupting
any private girl-talk

372
00:19:51,715 --> 00:19:53,115
about Channing Tatum's
index finger.

373
00:19:53,196 --> 00:19:55,315
But, Lori, I need to
see you in my office.

374
00:19:55,396 --> 00:19:57,555
Yeah, the thing is, Rex, I have a
lot of work I need to get to...

375
00:19:57,635 --> 00:20:00,115
Oh, this is work,
I swear.

376
00:20:01,515 --> 00:20:03,155
Great.

377
00:20:03,555 --> 00:20:05,155
Good luck.
Thank you.

378
00:20:06,195 --> 00:20:07,435
He's such an asshole.

379
00:20:07,555 --> 00:20:09,355
Out of control.
He's such a sleaze.

380
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:12,276
A hundred bucks says he's showing
her the diving team photo.

381
00:20:12,995 --> 00:20:15,156
Check this out.

382
00:20:15,235 --> 00:20:17,476
That's me on
the high school diving team.

383
00:20:17,555 --> 00:20:19,355
We dove the shit out
of that pool that year.

384
00:20:19,595 --> 00:20:21,075
You promised me
this was about work.

385
00:20:21,195 --> 00:20:23,315
Lori, why don't you like me?
Ugh!

386
00:20:23,395 --> 00:20:25,355
I'm rich, I'm good-looking,
my dad owns the company.

387
00:20:25,436 --> 00:20:27,435
I have a boyfriend.
I have told you this.

388
00:20:27,515 --> 00:20:28,995
Yeah, the guy with the bear.

389
00:20:29,075 --> 00:20:32,035
But I'm talking about
a mature relationship, Lori.

390
00:20:32,195 --> 00:20:35,275
If we were together, our
babies would be spectacular.

391
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:39,755
With my top-of-the-pyramid
Caucasian genes and your splash of

392
00:20:40,595 --> 00:20:43,915
dark, beautiful, smoky...

393
00:20:44,155 --> 00:20:45,915
Baltic? Czech?

394
00:20:46,075 --> 00:20:47,395
Goodbye, Rex.

395
00:21:01,075 --> 00:21:02,115
Oh!

396
00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:04,195
Okay, that was perfect.

397
00:21:04,395 --> 00:21:05,915
Would you like me to
wrap your leftovers?

398
00:21:05,995 --> 00:21:07,475
No, I'm good.
Thank you.

399
00:21:07,555 --> 00:21:09,235
Actually, could you
wrap just this up for me?

400
00:21:09,315 --> 00:21:10,412
I want to scare
the shit out of somebody.

401
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:11,395
Sure.

402
00:21:11,675 --> 00:21:12,595
What are you,
five years old?

403
00:21:12,675 --> 00:21:13,635
Yeah.

404
00:21:13,835 --> 00:21:15,955
But I read at a
six-year-old level, so...

405
00:21:17,315 --> 00:21:21,275
Sir, and madam,
here is your dessert

406
00:21:21,355 --> 00:21:23,235
and champagne.

407
00:21:23,555 --> 00:21:24,595
Ooh!

408
00:21:24,835 --> 00:21:26,115
Cristal.

409
00:21:26,195 --> 00:21:28,755
It's a special night. We've
been dating for four years.

410
00:21:28,835 --> 00:21:31,355
And hey, all those rich black
people can't be wrong, right?

411
00:21:34,755 --> 00:21:36,555
It doesn't feel like
four years, does it?

412
00:21:37,155 --> 00:21:38,435
No, it doesn't.

413
00:21:38,675 --> 00:21:41,834
You know, you had no business
being out on that dance floor,

414
00:21:41,915 --> 00:21:43,875
but I'm really happy
that you were.

415
00:21:49,955 --> 00:21:51,475
This song is so great.

416
00:21:51,555 --> 00:21:54,475
Oh, yeah. Chris Brown
can do no wrong.

417
00:21:54,874 --> 00:21:56,715
Wow, you can really move.

418
00:21:56,794 --> 00:21:58,915
You like that, huh?
Check this shit out.

419
00:22:05,315 --> 00:22:06,515
Oh, my God!

420
00:22:07,315 --> 00:22:08,594
Are you okay?

421
00:22:08,675 --> 00:22:09,835
Oh, God, I am so sorry.

422
00:22:09,915 --> 00:22:11,035
No, I'm fine,
I'm fine.

423
00:22:11,115 --> 00:22:13,755
Jesus, I am so sorry. I didn't see you.
It was an accident.

424
00:22:13,835 --> 00:22:14,875
Did you hurt your head?

425
00:22:14,955 --> 00:22:16,515
Yeah, my head hurts a lot.

426
00:22:16,595 --> 00:22:18,115
Oh, man. Here, let
me get you some ice.

427
00:22:22,275 --> 00:22:23,235
Ow!

428
00:22:23,315 --> 00:22:25,755
Sorry, sorry.
Does it hurt?

429
00:22:28,595 --> 00:22:31,235
No. It's fine.

430
00:22:32,835 --> 00:22:35,395
Okay, here's a test to see how
much you actually care about me.

431
00:22:36,115 --> 00:22:37,915
You remember that night,
after the club

432
00:22:37,995 --> 00:22:41,675
we went and had late-night eggs
and waffles until about 5:00 A.M.

433
00:22:41,755 --> 00:22:44,595
We watched a movie on the
little TV in the diner.

434
00:22:44,674 --> 00:22:45,955
Name that movie.

435
00:22:46,395 --> 00:22:47,394
<i>Octopussy.</i>

436
00:22:47,595 --> 00:22:50,434
Baby! Gold star.

437
00:22:50,515 --> 00:22:52,715
And, by the way, my
dancing was not that bad.

438
00:22:52,795 --> 00:22:54,554
It was pretty bad.
I have cool moves.

439
00:22:54,635 --> 00:22:55,955
Yeah, so do people
with Parkinson's.

440
00:22:56,034 --> 00:22:57,235
That's not
how I remember it.

441
00:22:57,315 --> 00:22:58,595
Okay, how do you
remember it?

442
00:23:27,275 --> 00:23:29,155
All right,
whatever you say.

443
00:23:29,315 --> 00:23:30,555
Hey
Yes?

444
00:23:30,634 --> 00:23:31,915
Here's to four more years.

445
00:23:32,234 --> 00:23:33,835
Okay.
You make me happy.

446
00:23:34,675 --> 00:23:36,114
Now, I know we said
no gifts, but...

447
00:23:36,195 --> 00:23:37,155
We said no such thing.

448
00:23:37,235 --> 00:23:39,954
I got you something anyway, in clear
violation of the "no gift" rule.

449
00:23:40,035 --> 00:23:41,194
We had no such rule.

450
00:23:41,275 --> 00:23:44,555
Lori, I've wanted to give
this to you for a long time.

451
00:23:47,594 --> 00:23:48,795
John”.

452
00:23:54,275 --> 00:23:56,875
Those are the ones you like, right?
From that kiosk at the mall.

453
00:23:57,955 --> 00:23:59,394
Yeah.

454
00:24:01,354 --> 00:24:02,795
You know, Lori,

455
00:24:02,874 --> 00:24:04,234
someday, there's going
to be a ring in there.

456
00:24:04,634 --> 00:24:07,234
But I want to wait until I get
you something really special.

457
00:24:07,315 --> 00:24:09,075
I just don't have
the money right now.

458
00:24:10,794 --> 00:24:13,274
Look, I'm only saying this
because I love you.

459
00:24:13,355 --> 00:24:14,794
You're not going to
have any sort of career

460
00:24:14,914 --> 00:24:16,394
if you keep
wasting time with Ted.

461
00:24:16,475 --> 00:24:17,475
Oh, jeez, here we go.

462
00:24:17,554 --> 00:24:19,115
Baby, please ask Ted
to move out

463
00:24:19,194 --> 00:24:20,514
so we can move on
with our lives.

464
00:24:20,595 --> 00:24:23,034
Lori, look, he's been my best
friend since I was eight.

465
00:24:23,114 --> 00:24:24,674
I was not a popular child.

466
00:24:26,355 --> 00:24:27,914
You have to understand, I had no
friends before he came along.

467
00:24:27,995 --> 00:24:30,235
He's the only reason I ever
gained any fucking confidence.

468
00:24:30,314 --> 00:24:33,235
But you're no longer eight.
You're 35 years old.

469
00:24:33,314 --> 00:24:35,194
And unless you're
too blind to notice,

470
00:24:35,275 --> 00:24:37,114
he's not your
only friend any more.

471
00:24:37,195 --> 00:24:38,674
Can we talk about
this another time,

472
00:24:38,754 --> 00:24:40,115
and just enjoy
our anniversary dinner?

473
00:24:50,474 --> 00:24:51,954
Oh, shit, hang on a second.

474
00:24:52,354 --> 00:24:54,114
Now my phone fell under
the seat somewhere.

475
00:24:54,195 --> 00:24:55,195
Can you call it?

476
00:24:55,394 --> 00:24:56,555
Yeah.

477
00:25:10,314 --> 00:25:11,714
Is that my ringtone?

478
00:25:12,114 --> 00:25:13,474
Oh, yeah.

479
00:25:14,074 --> 00:25:15,954
What is it?
'Cause it sounds negative.

480
00:25:16,035 --> 00:25:17,874
No, no,
it's from <i>The Notebook.</i>

481
00:25:18,714 --> 00:25:19,715
Oh.

482
00:25:20,275 --> 00:25:21,874
This is going to take
some doing, I think.

483
00:25:21,954 --> 00:25:23,194
I'll just meet
you upstairs then?

484
00:25:23,274 --> 00:25:24,754
Yeah, I'll be right there.

485
00:25:32,475 --> 00:25:33,474
Oh!

486
00:25:33,554 --> 00:25:35,114
Lori, hey,
you're home early.

487
00:25:35,194 --> 00:25:36,755
What the hell is this?

488
00:25:36,834 --> 00:25:39,154
The ladies and I were just
watching <i>Jack and Jill.</i>

489
00:25:39,234 --> 00:25:42,994
Adam Sandler plays a guy and his
sister, and it's just awful.

490
00:25:43,074 --> 00:25:44,114
It's unwatchable.

491
00:25:44,194 --> 00:25:45,874
But, they're hookers,
so it's fine.

492
00:25:45,954 --> 00:25:48,354
This place is a wreck.
Who are these girls?

493
00:25:48,474 --> 00:25:49,994
Oh. Where are my manners?

494
00:25:50,154 --> 00:25:54,594
Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly,
Cherene, and Sauvignon Blanc.

495
00:25:54,914 --> 00:25:55,955
I love you girls.

496
00:25:56,034 --> 00:25:58,434
You know, somewhere out there
are four terrible fathers

497
00:25:58,514 --> 00:26:00,475
I wish I could thank
for this great night.

498
00:26:00,554 --> 00:26:01,914
What is that?

499
00:26:02,115 --> 00:26:03,394
What is what?

500
00:26:03,874 --> 00:26:05,914
There is...

501
00:26:05,994 --> 00:26:07,834
...a shit on my floor.

502
00:26:08,074 --> 00:26:10,194
In the corner,
there is a shit!

503
00:26:10,434 --> 00:26:12,794
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were
playing truth or dare

504
00:26:12,874 --> 00:26:14,634
and Cherene's
pretty ballsy.

505
00:26:14,714 --> 00:26:16,515
There is a shit
on my floor!

506
00:26:16,594 --> 00:26:21,315
"Or is the floor on the shit?"
is what Kierkegaard would say.

507
00:26:23,235 --> 00:26:25,514
Who lives here? I'm coming
to get whoever lives here.

508
00:26:25,754 --> 00:26:27,034
You owe me lobster money.

509
00:26:27,554 --> 00:26:28,914
That's
my buddy, Johnny.

510
00:26:28,994 --> 00:26:30,515
Not the lobster,
the guy running it.

511
00:26:30,914 --> 00:26:32,794
I found my phone.

512
00:26:32,874 --> 00:26:33,874
What's going on?

513
00:26:35,514 --> 00:26:37,634
Is that a shit?

514
00:26:52,514 --> 00:26:54,994
God, there are some
fucked-up fish out there.

515
00:26:55,234 --> 00:26:57,394
Look at that one.
WASP-y, white-guy fish.

516
00:26:57,474 --> 00:27:01,834
"I married the wrong woman, and
now I lead a life of regret."

517
00:27:01,914 --> 00:27:02,994
Oh, look at this guy.

518
00:27:03,074 --> 00:27:07,874
"I went to New York once in 1981,
and I just did not feel safe."

519
00:27:09,074 --> 00:27:11,194
Ted, you gotta move out.

520
00:27:13,034 --> 00:27:14,034
What?

521
00:27:14,554 --> 00:27:16,634
It's got to happen.

522
00:27:18,154 --> 00:27:20,194
What did I do?

523
00:27:21,154 --> 00:27:23,994
My relationship is at a very
delicate stage, you know.

524
00:27:25,154 --> 00:27:27,234
Lori and I may just need
a little space right now.

525
00:27:27,754 --> 00:27:30,514
Plus, a hooker took a
shit in our apartment.

526
00:27:30,594 --> 00:27:32,194
Oh, God!
Ah, what?

527
00:27:32,274 --> 00:27:33,354
Oh, this is so gross!

528
00:27:33,434 --> 00:27:35,354
Don't tell me! I don't want to hear about it!
Did you get it?

529
00:27:35,434 --> 00:27:37,234
No, I didn't get it!
Tell me when you get it!

530
00:27:37,313 --> 00:27:39,794
Oh, my God,
I got some on my thumb!

531
00:27:39,874 --> 00:27:42,113
No! You can never cook
with that hand again!

532
00:27:42,314 --> 00:27:43,954
Oh, my God! You have to
learn to cook left-handed.

533
00:27:44,033 --> 00:27:45,874
This is the most
disgusting thing ever!

534
00:27:45,953 --> 00:27:47,314
Don't!
Get it away from me!

535
00:27:47,394 --> 00:27:49,234
Look, that was a tough
night for all of us.

536
00:27:49,474 --> 00:27:52,874
Ted, you mean everything
to me, and so does Lori.

537
00:27:52,953 --> 00:27:55,794
I'm just trying to find a way
to keep you both in my life.

538
00:27:57,314 --> 00:27:59,113
She's making you
do it, isn't she?

539
00:27:59,673 --> 00:28:00,714
Yes.

540
00:28:00,794 --> 00:28:03,834
But that doesn't mean we can't hang out.
We'll hang out all the time.

541
00:28:04,274 --> 00:28:06,754
Yeah, but what about "thunder
buddies for life," Johnny?

542
00:28:06,834 --> 00:28:09,234
I know. I just don't
know what to do, here.

543
00:28:09,314 --> 00:28:13,113
I know it sucks, but otherwise
I'm going to lose her.

544
00:28:13,234 --> 00:28:14,714
And I do love her, Ted.

545
00:28:15,313 --> 00:28:16,874
I know you do, Johnny.

546
00:28:17,114 --> 00:28:19,194
I'll help you get on your
feet out there, I promise.

547
00:28:19,634 --> 00:28:21,473
I know. And we'll hang
out all the time, right?

548
00:28:21,634 --> 00:28:22,993
All the time.

549
00:28:23,194 --> 00:28:24,794
Fuck it. Bring it in. Come here.

550
00:28:24,874 --> 00:28:26,714
Bring it in, you bastard.
Come on.

551
00:28:27,233 --> 00:28:28,434
<i>I love you!</i>

552
00:28:28,674 --> 00:28:31,274
Fuck. Shit, sorry, that's
the thing from the...

553
00:28:31,434 --> 00:28:33,194
The old...
Yeah, yeah.

554
00:28:33,273 --> 00:28:34,633
I'm not gay.
I know.

555
00:28:34,714 --> 00:28:36,754
And you're not gay,
so we're fine.

556
00:28:37,914 --> 00:28:40,273
We gotta get you a job.

557
00:28:41,594 --> 00:28:42,634
I look stupid.

558
00:28:42,714 --> 00:28:43,874
No you don't.
You look dapper.

559
00:28:43,954 --> 00:28:46,234
I don't. I look like
Snuggle's accountant.

560
00:28:46,313 --> 00:28:47,553
Come on,
it's not that bad.

561
00:28:47,634 --> 00:28:48,954
John, I look like something
you give your kid

562
00:28:49,033 --> 00:28:50,474
when you tell him
Grandma died.

563
00:28:50,634 --> 00:28:52,434
Look, I know
it sucks, okay?

564
00:28:52,514 --> 00:28:53,514
But you've got
to make some money

565
00:28:53,593 --> 00:28:54,594
so you can pay
for an apartment.

566
00:28:54,673 --> 00:28:56,634
I don't want to work
at a grocery store.

567
00:28:56,713 --> 00:28:58,034
Yeah, but you
have no skills.

568
00:28:58,194 --> 00:29:00,114
I told you,
I can totally be a lawyer.

569
00:29:00,514 --> 00:29:03,313
You get the job, we're
celebrating after, okay?

570
00:29:03,754 --> 00:29:05,074
Uh-huh. And if I
don't get the job,

571
00:29:05,154 --> 00:29:06,434
are we still going to
smoke that pot?

572
00:29:06,753 --> 00:29:07,874
Probably, yes.

573
00:29:07,993 --> 00:29:09,874
Uh-huh. Okay, all right.
Good talk, coach, thanks.

574
00:29:09,954 --> 00:29:10,914
All right, buddy,
go get 'em.

575
00:29:11,874 --> 00:29:13,674
And don't worry,
I'll do my very best

576
00:29:13,753 --> 00:29:15,793
to get this job
that I so crave.

577
00:29:16,714 --> 00:29:18,354
So you think you
got what it takes?

578
00:29:18,514 --> 00:29:21,433
I'll tell you what I got. Your
wife's pussy on my breath.

579
00:29:23,473 --> 00:29:25,634
Nobody's ever talked
to me like that before.

580
00:29:25,793 --> 00:29:28,953
That's 'cause everyone's mouth is
usually full of your wife's box.

581
00:29:31,074 --> 00:29:32,154
You're hired.

582
00:29:32,393 --> 00:29:33,434
Shit.

583
00:30:17,513 --> 00:30:20,994
Well, I am a former celebrity
in a minimum wage job.

584
00:30:21,073 --> 00:30:23,713
This is how the cast of
<i>Diff'rent Strokes</i> feels.

585
00:30:23,794 --> 00:30:25,913
All day, every day.
Just awful.

586
00:30:25,993 --> 00:30:28,193
They must feel awful. The
live ones must feel awful.

587
00:30:28,274 --> 00:30:29,313
Come on.
It's not that bad, okay?

588
00:30:29,394 --> 00:30:31,753
I got a shitty job, and I
assure you, I am quite content.

589
00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:33,074
Excuse me.

590
00:30:33,234 --> 00:30:34,354
I'm sorry to bother you

591
00:30:34,433 --> 00:30:38,273
but my son and I couldn't help
but admire your teddy bear.

592
00:30:38,753 --> 00:30:40,114
Oh, thank you.
Thanks.

593
00:30:40,193 --> 00:30:43,153
Yeah. I'm Donny,
this is Robert.

594
00:30:43,313 --> 00:30:45,953
I have to say, I've been following
you ever since I was a young boy

595
00:30:47,074 --> 00:30:49,633
and I remember seeing you
on the Carson show.

596
00:30:49,793 --> 00:30:51,074
You were just wonderful.

597
00:30:51,233 --> 00:30:53,473
Oh, yeah, that was
a weird interview.

598
00:30:53,554 --> 00:30:56,834
Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept
muttering anti-Semitic comments.

599
00:30:56,993 --> 00:30:58,874
He thought ALF was
Jewish for some reason.

600
00:30:58,953 --> 00:31:00,553
Have you ever considered
selling the bear?

601
00:31:00,833 --> 00:31:01,793
What?
Excuse me?

602
00:31:01,873 --> 00:31:03,033
I want it.

603
00:31:03,114 --> 00:31:05,273
I'm not an "it," pal.
I'm a "he," all right?

604
00:31:05,793 --> 00:31:07,674
I'm sorry, little guy,
but my bear isn't for sale.

605
00:31:07,753 --> 00:31:09,553
See, I've had him
since I was about your age.

606
00:31:09,633 --> 00:31:11,273
He's very, very
special to me.

607
00:31:11,354 --> 00:31:13,513
Stand up straight when
you're talking to me.

608
00:31:13,834 --> 00:31:15,474
Why the fuck
would he say that?

609
00:31:15,553 --> 00:31:18,433
Sorry, you really shouldn't
swear in front of children.

610
00:31:18,514 --> 00:31:20,193
Look, we're very
interested in the bear.

611
00:31:20,313 --> 00:31:21,833
If you want to make
some sort of arrangement

612
00:31:21,914 --> 00:31:23,554
here's my address
and phone number.

613
00:31:23,714 --> 00:31:25,873
And you can call me
any time, okay?

614
00:31:25,953 --> 00:31:26,953
Will do.

615
00:31:27,113 --> 00:31:29,874
Here it goes, in the really important
pocket for really important stuff.

616
00:31:29,953 --> 00:31:31,514
Okay? Okay.

617
00:31:31,674 --> 00:31:33,273
Okay.
See you later.

618
00:31:33,353 --> 00:31:34,313
Come on, Robert.

619
00:31:34,394 --> 00:31:35,354
Take it easy.

620
00:31:35,514 --> 00:31:36,513
What the fuck?

621
00:31:36,673 --> 00:31:38,553
Can you imagine what that
little shit would do to me?

622
00:31:38,633 --> 00:31:40,434
I could totally see him just
taking you down to the basement

623
00:31:40,513 --> 00:31:41,993
and really slowly
de-limbing you

624
00:31:42,073 --> 00:31:44,313
while singing some creepy
Victorian nursery rhyme.

625
00:31:44,673 --> 00:31:46,993
<i> Oh, my little sixpence
My pretty little sixpence</i>

626
00:31:47,073 --> 00:31:48,873
Stop it.
Knock it off.

627
00:31:48,954 --> 00:31:50,393
<i>I love my sixpence
Better than my life</i>

628
00:31:50,473 --> 00:31:52,273
Stop it! Fuck! Why you got
to take it to that place?

629
00:31:52,353 --> 00:31:54,793
You took it to a very... Now it's real.
Now it's a real thing.

630
00:31:54,873 --> 00:31:55,993
Come on.
Take it easy.

631
00:31:56,074 --> 00:31:58,913
All right, look, let's just find
a better place to get stoned.

632
00:32:19,873 --> 00:32:21,433
I guess this is it, huh?

633
00:32:21,594 --> 00:32:23,794
Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

634
00:32:23,953 --> 00:32:25,033
First night on your own.

635
00:32:25,353 --> 00:32:28,353
Yeah, first night in
my beautiful new apartment.

636
00:32:28,953 --> 00:32:30,433
It'll be great
when it's furnished.

637
00:32:30,593 --> 00:32:32,873
Yeah, and the guy said it ain't
hardly had no murders in it.

638
00:32:32,953 --> 00:32:34,793
So, that's good.

639
00:32:35,593 --> 00:32:38,313
Okay, so,
if you need anything...

640
00:32:38,473 --> 00:32:41,953
Yeah, I know. Don't worry,
Johnny, I'll be fine.

641
00:32:42,793 --> 00:32:44,713
I know you will.

642
00:32:45,473 --> 00:32:46,553
All right.

643
00:33:11,233 --> 00:33:12,553
Hey there.

644
00:33:12,633 --> 00:33:13,633
Hey.

645
00:33:13,713 --> 00:33:15,233
Hi.
Hi.

646
00:33:17,473 --> 00:33:20,953
Listen, I just want
to say thank you.

647
00:33:21,833 --> 00:33:25,153
I know what you did
with Ted wasn't easy,

648
00:33:25,633 --> 00:33:28,913
and I just want you to know
that I love you for it,

649
00:33:28,993 --> 00:33:32,673
and I think it's a new beginning
for our relationship.

650
00:33:33,033 --> 00:33:35,633
Hey, anything for you.

651
00:33:35,713 --> 00:33:38,073
This is all part of the new,
grown-up adult John Bennett,

652
00:33:38,153 --> 00:33:40,713
so you better
get used to him.

653
00:33:40,793 --> 00:33:41,793
Really?

654
00:33:42,713 --> 00:33:44,833
Well, you know,

655
00:33:44,913 --> 00:33:48,433
I don't have to be at work
for another 20 minutes.

656
00:33:49,153 --> 00:33:50,713
Well, that's perfect.

657
00:33:50,793 --> 00:33:52,593
Because I'm only
going to need one.

658
00:33:55,552 --> 00:33:57,793
You know what my favorite
thing about you is?

659
00:33:58,113 --> 00:34:02,593
That, even after four years,
you can still surprise me.

660
00:34:03,873 --> 00:34:07,793
To step up and change such
a huge part of your life

661
00:34:07,873 --> 00:34:10,473
just to make your
girlfriend happier...

662
00:34:10,993 --> 00:34:13,473
I don't know, I guess most
guys wouldn't do that.

663
00:34:13,633 --> 00:34:16,833
Well, most guys don't have
you to motivate them.

664
00:34:19,113 --> 00:34:21,752
I know I'm not
a talking teddy bear,

665
00:34:22,953 --> 00:34:25,673
but at least you didn't have to
make a magical wish to get me.

666
00:34:26,353 --> 00:34:27,753
How do you know?

667
00:34:38,433 --> 00:34:39,473
Oh.

668
00:34:39,673 --> 00:34:41,393
Is that a Flash Gordon
ray gun,

669
00:34:41,473 --> 00:34:43,152
or are you just
happy to see me?

670
00:34:50,353 --> 00:34:51,792
There we go.

671
00:34:52,233 --> 00:34:55,912
Thank you very much, please come again.
We have a lot more groceries.

672
00:35:01,473 --> 00:35:03,153
Hey, Ellen.

673
00:35:03,233 --> 00:35:04,193
Yeah?

674
00:35:04,473 --> 00:35:05,473
Who's that over there?

675
00:35:07,152 --> 00:35:08,433
That's the
new checkout girl.

676
00:35:08,512 --> 00:35:10,113
Don't know her name.
Seems cute.

677
00:35:10,273 --> 00:35:13,233
Yeah, very cute. Do you know
what I'd like to do to her?

678
00:35:13,393 --> 00:35:15,153
Something I call
a Dirty Fozzie.

679
00:35:47,673 --> 00:35:50,072
Okay, all right, so that's
where we'll draw the line.

680
00:35:54,273 --> 00:35:55,793
Hey, how are you
holding up?

681
00:35:56,672 --> 00:35:59,832
Oh, I'm all right. I'm just getting
used to things, that's all.

682
00:36:00,313 --> 00:36:01,312
It's going to be all right.

683
00:36:01,752 --> 00:36:04,713
I actually went through something
like this with my last boyfriend.

684
00:36:04,792 --> 00:36:06,152
Really?
Yeah.

685
00:36:06,873 --> 00:36:10,593
We were together for eight
months, and I really loved him.

686
00:36:10,753 --> 00:36:13,512
And then he got
deported back to Iran,

687
00:36:13,593 --> 00:36:14,993
so I know what
you're going through.

688
00:36:15,393 --> 00:36:19,552
Oh, yeah. So, I guess we both
lost our furry little guy.

689
00:36:20,193 --> 00:36:21,192
We sure did.

690
00:36:26,592 --> 00:36:28,192
Hey, Ted. Hey, Johnny,
what are you doing?

691
00:36:28,273 --> 00:36:29,472
You want to come over
and catch a buzz?

692
00:36:29,953 --> 00:36:31,352
Well, I could probably
stop by after work.

693
00:36:31,433 --> 00:36:33,952
Fuck that I traded off yesterday
so I got the other shift.

694
00:36:34,033 --> 00:36:36,513
Come on, I'm bored as crap over here.
Just swing by for a bit.

695
00:36:36,592 --> 00:36:38,112
I cannot just
ditch work, man.

696
00:36:38,232 --> 00:36:39,302
Look, I'm trying to
get my shit together

697
00:36:39,312 --> 00:36:41,033
and be an adult here,
for Lori's sake.

698
00:36:41,193 --> 00:36:43,352
John, five minutes and then
I'll kick you out, I promise.

699
00:36:43,432 --> 00:36:46,393
Just come over. I got
the Cheers DVD box set

700
00:36:46,472 --> 00:36:47,952
and the guy down
at the store told me

701
00:36:48,033 --> 00:36:50,312
that everybody talks shit about
each other in the interviews.

702
00:36:51,392 --> 00:36:52,433
You'll kick me out
in five?

703
00:36:52,512 --> 00:36:54,832
I will kick you out in five.
John, I have to kick you out.

704
00:36:54,913 --> 00:36:58,272
I have so much teddy bear paperwork
I have to get to, it is sick.

705
00:36:58,432 --> 00:36:59,752
What do I tell Thomas?

706
00:36:59,833 --> 00:37:01,152
<i>Just tell him you
don't feel well.</i>

707
00:37:01,633 --> 00:37:03,312
I gotta cut out for a bit.

708
00:37:03,393 --> 00:37:04,712
Lori tried to
break up a dog fight

709
00:37:04,793 --> 00:37:06,072
and I guess she
got hurt pretty bad.

710
00:37:06,352 --> 00:37:07,352
Oh, my God!

711
00:37:07,432 --> 00:37:09,072
Yeah, that's
the way she is.

712
00:37:09,153 --> 00:37:10,553
She sees trouble and
she wants to help out,

713
00:37:10,632 --> 00:37:13,072
and I guess one of these dogs
clamped his jaws on her forearm

714
00:37:13,153 --> 00:37:14,832
and wouldn't let go
until the fireman showed up

715
00:37:14,913 --> 00:37:16,993
and stuck his finger
in his ass.

716
00:37:17,752 --> 00:37:18,712
Oh, Jesus.

717
00:37:18,792 --> 00:37:20,032
Yeah, she's
pretty shook up.

718
00:37:20,312 --> 00:37:21,872
Up the dog's ass, right?

719
00:37:21,952 --> 00:37:23,512
Yeah, up the dog's,
not the fireman's ass.

720
00:37:23,592 --> 00:37:25,913
I thought the fireman stuck his
own finger up his own ass.

721
00:37:25,992 --> 00:37:27,673
No, I don't think a
firefighter would do that.

722
00:37:27,752 --> 00:37:29,712
Go, take care of it.
Let me know how she is.

723
00:37:29,792 --> 00:37:31,232
Thank you.
Go.

724
00:37:34,393 --> 00:37:37,952
<i>Woody Harrelson. Smallest
dick I've ever seen on a man.</i>

725
00:37:40,232 --> 00:37:41,673
See, that's why
I watch these things.

726
00:37:41,752 --> 00:37:44,032
That's like a cool behind-the-scenes
thing that you wouldn't know.

727
00:37:44,352 --> 00:37:45,912
Oh, hey,
listen, try this.

728
00:37:45,992 --> 00:37:48,113
I told my weed guy to step
it up and he gave me that.

729
00:37:48,512 --> 00:37:49,512
What is it?

730
00:37:49,592 --> 00:37:51,912
It's called "Mind Rape."
It's actually pretty mellow.

731
00:37:52,352 --> 00:37:53,552
It doesn't sound
very mellow.

732
00:37:53,632 --> 00:37:55,472
Well, he only had
three other batches.

733
00:37:55,552 --> 00:37:56,792
"Gorilla Panic,"

734
00:37:56,872 --> 00:37:58,672
"They're Coming,
They're Coming,"

735
00:37:58,752 --> 00:38:00,473
and something called,
"This is Permanent."

736
00:38:00,552 --> 00:38:01,512
Go on, spark it up.

737
00:38:08,352 --> 00:38:10,192
There you go.
You got it.

738
00:38:11,432 --> 00:38:14,472
Nice. Good, huh?
Good job.

739
00:38:15,472 --> 00:38:17,392
Yeah.
Take pride in that.

740
00:38:17,872 --> 00:38:19,112
You know,
this place looks great.

741
00:38:19,232 --> 00:38:20,952
Thanks, man,
it's all IKEA.

742
00:38:21,032 --> 00:38:22,432
Did the whole place
for $47.

743
00:38:22,752 --> 00:38:24,272
Nice.
Yeah.

744
00:38:24,352 --> 00:38:25,752
How are the neighbors?

745
00:38:26,272 --> 00:38:28,152
You know, there's an Asian
family living next door

746
00:38:28,232 --> 00:38:30,352
but they don't have a gong or
nothing, so it's not too bad.

747
00:38:30,432 --> 00:38:32,192
That's lucky.
Yeah, it is.

748
00:38:32,552 --> 00:38:34,152
How's work?
It sucks.

749
00:38:34,752 --> 00:38:35,672
You?

750
00:38:35,752 --> 00:38:36,832
You know,
not bad actually.

751
00:38:36,912 --> 00:38:38,312
I met a girl.
She's a cashier.

752
00:38:38,472 --> 00:38:39,952
No way, that's awesome! Yeah.

753
00:38:40,032 --> 00:38:41,632
Well, we should fucking
double-date, or something.

754
00:38:41,712 --> 00:38:43,272
You, me and Lori,
and what's her name?

755
00:38:43,352 --> 00:38:44,792
White trash name.
Guess.

756
00:38:45,792 --> 00:38:47,232
Mandy?
No.

757
00:38:48,032 --> 00:38:49,152
Marilyn?
No.

758
00:38:49,312 --> 00:38:51,072
Britney? Tiffany?
No. No.

759
00:38:51,232 --> 00:38:52,272
Candice?
No.

760
00:38:52,352 --> 00:38:53,912
Don't fuck with me on this.
I know this shit!

761
00:38:54,032 --> 00:38:55,632
Do you see me fucking with you?
All right, speed round.

762
00:38:55,712 --> 00:38:56,872
I'm going to
rattle off some names

763
00:38:56,952 --> 00:38:58,032
and when I hit it,
fucking buzz it.

764
00:38:58,112 --> 00:38:59,272
I will tell you.
You got me?

765
00:38:59,432 --> 00:39:00,512
All right,
Brandi, Heather, Channing,

766
00:39:00,592 --> 00:39:01,752
Breanna, Amber,
Sabrina, Melody,

767
00:39:01,832 --> 00:39:02,952
Dakota, Sierra,
Bambi, Crystal,

768
00:39:03,112 --> 00:39:04,912
Samantha, Autumn, Ruby,
Taylor, Tara, Tami,

769
00:39:05,072 --> 00:39:07,232
Lauren, Charlene, Chantal,
Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista,

770
00:39:07,392 --> 00:39:09,112
Mindy, Noelle, Shelby,
Trina, Reba, Cassandra,

771
00:39:09,272 --> 00:39:10,792
Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna,
Jolene, Earline, Claudine,

772
00:39:10,952 --> 00:39:12,872
Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra,
Carla, Chloe, Devon, Emmylou.

773
00:39:13,032 --> 00:39:14,392
Fucking Becky?
No.

774
00:39:15,072 --> 00:39:17,472
Wait, was it any one of those
names with a "Lynn" after it?

775
00:39:17,672 --> 00:39:18,672
Yes.

776
00:39:18,752 --> 00:39:19,912
I got you, motherfucker.

777
00:39:20,032 --> 00:39:21,432
I got you. Okay.

778
00:39:21,592 --> 00:39:23,152
Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn, Channing...
Tami-Lynn.

779
00:39:23,232 --> 00:39:24,272
Fuck!

780
00:39:27,672 --> 00:39:28,632
What the hell?

781
00:39:28,712 --> 00:39:30,832
Hey, man, you think you can
open more than one register?

782
00:39:30,912 --> 00:39:32,472
There's, like,
1,000 people here.

783
00:39:32,552 --> 00:39:34,672
There's supposed to be
three registers open.

784
00:39:34,752 --> 00:39:36,351
For God's sakes.

785
00:39:49,152 --> 00:39:51,711
Stick your finger
in the loop of my tag.

786
00:39:52,512 --> 00:39:54,992
You had sexual intercourse
with a co-worker

787
00:39:55,072 --> 00:39:57,792
on top of the produce
that we sell to the public.

788
00:39:57,952 --> 00:40:00,112
I fucked her with
a parsnip last week

789
00:40:00,192 --> 00:40:03,432
and I sold the parsnip to a
family with four small children.

790
00:40:04,191 --> 00:40:07,672
That took guts.
We need guts.

791
00:40:07,832 --> 00:40:09,472
I'm promoting you.

792
00:40:10,112 --> 00:40:12,192
You got a lot of problems,
don't you?

793
00:40:25,072 --> 00:40:26,151
All right, Kareem!

794
00:40:27,352 --> 00:40:29,151
Ah! You suck, Kareem.

795
00:40:35,432 --> 00:40:36,711
Hello?

796
00:40:40,432 --> 00:40:41,472
Huh.

797
00:40:44,872 --> 00:40:46,272
Hey, Ted.

798
00:40:48,231 --> 00:40:50,112
Hey there, fella.
How are you?

799
00:40:50,992 --> 00:40:52,392
Are you out here
all alone?

800
00:40:52,672 --> 00:40:54,592
Uh, no, no, I'm not.

801
00:40:55,272 --> 00:40:57,551
You know, you're never alone
when you're with Christ.

802
00:40:57,632 --> 00:40:59,832
So, no, I'm not alone.

803
00:40:59,912 --> 00:41:02,631
Yeah. Me, too.

804
00:41:05,592 --> 00:41:08,671
You know, Robert and I could
give you a very, very good home.

805
00:41:08,832 --> 00:41:10,952
Yeah, I'm pretty happy
where I am.

806
00:41:11,032 --> 00:41:12,351
I just got
a shitty new apartment...

807
00:41:12,511 --> 00:41:15,192
I can offer you
$6,000 in rail road bonds.

808
00:41:15,832 --> 00:41:17,672
Well, you know,
since I just returned

809
00:41:17,752 --> 00:41:19,392
from active duty
in the Civil War

810
00:41:19,472 --> 00:41:20,792
that actually
sounds very appealing.

811
00:41:20,871 --> 00:41:22,032
Oh, wait, I'm sorry.

812
00:41:22,111 --> 00:41:25,152
That was 150 years ago
and I don't give a shit.

813
00:41:25,632 --> 00:41:26,791
Okay.

814
00:41:29,111 --> 00:41:31,711
Teddy, come on, we're going to be
late for dinner with your friends.

815
00:41:31,792 --> 00:41:33,231
Okay, be there
in a second, baby.

816
00:41:33,312 --> 00:41:35,472
As you can see, my dance
card is quite full.

817
00:41:35,551 --> 00:41:37,152
So, I'm going to
have to decline.

818
00:41:37,311 --> 00:41:38,551
Can I just get a hug?

819
00:41:38,912 --> 00:41:40,791
Oh, uh. No.

820
00:41:40,952 --> 00:41:42,431
Yeah.
No, no.

821
00:41:42,592 --> 00:41:45,472
And it kills me to have to tell you
no, because I'm a people pleaser.

822
00:41:45,632 --> 00:41:46,671
Yeah.

823
00:41:46,832 --> 00:41:48,632
Thank you for
creeping up my night.

824
00:41:48,792 --> 00:41:50,351
And Jesus be with you...
Okay.

825
00:41:50,432 --> 00:41:51,392
...in Christ.

826
00:41:52,951 --> 00:41:54,272
Who was that guy?

827
00:41:54,351 --> 00:41:55,991
That was
Sinead O'Connor.

828
00:41:56,072 --> 00:41:57,312
She don't look
so good no more.

829
00:42:02,112 --> 00:42:03,992
How great is this? The
four of us out to dinner.

830
00:42:04,071 --> 00:42:05,792
How long have we been saying
we were going to...

831
00:42:05,952 --> 00:42:08,552
Lori, how you doing? I haven't
talked to you in forever.

832
00:42:08,631 --> 00:42:10,352
I'm good. I'm good.

833
00:42:10,432 --> 00:42:12,912
The company's having their 20th
anniversary party next week.

834
00:42:12,991 --> 00:42:14,511
So, that's something.

835
00:42:14,791 --> 00:42:16,792
Lori's a senior VP
at a big, huge PR firm.

836
00:42:16,871 --> 00:42:18,552
It's not that
big of a deal.

837
00:42:18,631 --> 00:42:19,792
Company's turning 20, huh?

838
00:42:19,871 --> 00:42:21,832
So you can bang it,
but you can't get it drunk.

839
00:42:22,351 --> 00:42:24,671
Right?
Yeah, she gets it.

840
00:42:24,752 --> 00:42:27,032
She enjoys my humor.

841
00:42:27,592 --> 00:42:29,512
Yeah, Rex is having
a house party

842
00:42:29,631 --> 00:42:31,832
but I'm surprised John
didn't tell you, considering

843
00:42:31,911 --> 00:42:34,671
you two have seen each other every
single day since you moved out.

844
00:42:35,312 --> 00:42:38,432
You know, it's funny, because
whenever Johnny and I hang out

845
00:42:38,511 --> 00:42:40,671
the first item
on our agenda is,

846
00:42:40,752 --> 00:42:41,911
"What's going on
with Lori?"

847
00:42:42,071 --> 00:42:44,031
So, it's funny that
that didn't come up.

848
00:42:44,111 --> 00:42:45,233
That must have
slipped through the cracks.

849
00:42:45,271 --> 00:42:46,672
Yeah, but we do talk
about you all the time.

850
00:42:46,751 --> 00:42:48,472
Yeah, you remember the
other day, I was saying

851
00:42:48,551 --> 00:42:50,871
how great Lori's
hair always looks.

852
00:42:51,151 --> 00:42:53,031
Oh, my God,
it always looks so great!

853
00:42:53,112 --> 00:42:54,912
I always want to
fucking brush it.

854
00:42:54,991 --> 00:42:56,152
Right, Johnny?
I say that.

855
00:42:58,951 --> 00:43:00,392
So, Tami-Lynn,

856
00:43:00,471 --> 00:43:02,712
why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself?

857
00:43:02,791 --> 00:43:03,871
Like, where are you from?

858
00:43:03,952 --> 00:43:06,511
I'm always fascinated
to meet Ted's girlfriends.

859
00:43:06,911 --> 00:43:08,431
What do you
mean "girlfriends"?

860
00:43:08,511 --> 00:43:10,112
Was there a lot of them
or something?

861
00:43:10,272 --> 00:43:12,551
No, that's not what she meant at all.
Right, Lori?

862
00:43:12,671 --> 00:43:13,952
Lori, you didn't mean that.
No, no, no.

863
00:43:14,311 --> 00:43:16,032
What I meant to say
was Ted's very handsome

864
00:43:16,391 --> 00:43:17,952
so I'm always
interested in meeting

865
00:43:18,031 --> 00:43:19,791
the lady that
can snatch him up.

866
00:43:20,391 --> 00:43:21,551
Did you just
call me a whore?

867
00:43:21,631 --> 00:43:22,591
What?

868
00:43:22,752 --> 00:43:25,031
You just worry about your own
"snatch." How about that, honey?

869
00:43:25,111 --> 00:43:26,071
Whoa!
VVhoa! VVhoa!

870
00:43:26,151 --> 00:43:27,991
What the hell happened? We're
having a friendly meal here.

871
00:43:28,071 --> 00:43:29,111
This was a nice evening.

872
00:43:29,192 --> 00:43:30,191
Don't talk shit to me.

873
00:43:30,351 --> 00:43:31,672
I just asked you
a question.

874
00:43:31,751 --> 00:43:33,151
You know,
you're a freaking snob.

875
00:43:33,312 --> 00:43:34,511
You think you're
cool because you work

876
00:43:34,591 --> 00:43:36,151
at some fucking fancy
shit place, whatever.

877
00:43:36,231 --> 00:43:38,271
Okay, take it easy.
Nice, Lori, real nice.

878
00:43:38,351 --> 00:43:40,511
Me? It's not my fault
she can't speak English.

879
00:43:40,592 --> 00:43:41,672
Oh, fuck you!

880
00:43:41,751 --> 00:43:43,831
Just because you're on the business
world and shit you think, what,

881
00:43:43,911 --> 00:43:45,471
everybody should suck your
asshole, or something?

882
00:43:45,591 --> 00:43:47,791
Okay. All right, Tami, come on, honey.
Let's get out of here.

883
00:43:47,871 --> 00:43:50,071
We'll go back to my place for a
couple of vodka and strawberry Quiks.

884
00:43:50,151 --> 00:43:51,832
You know what?
I gave birth once, bitch.

885
00:43:51,911 --> 00:43:53,151
I could kick
your fucking ass.

886
00:43:53,431 --> 00:43:55,431
And you better never show your
face around Quincy, you hear me?

887
00:43:55,511 --> 00:43:56,632
Okay, come on.
Ever!

888
00:43:56,711 --> 00:43:58,272
I didn't know you had a baby.
Is it alive?

889
00:44:00,031 --> 00:44:01,152
What a cunt.

890
00:44:01,311 --> 00:44:02,871
Ow! I hate that word!

891
00:44:02,951 --> 00:44:03,991
What?
That word.

892
00:44:04,071 --> 00:44:05,511
It's so sharp,
it's like an electric sword

893
00:44:05,591 --> 00:44:06,671
slashing
everything in its path.

894
00:44:06,751 --> 00:44:07,951
Why would you say that?

895
00:44:08,031 --> 00:44:09,751
You didn't exactly
stand up for me.

896
00:44:09,951 --> 00:44:11,391
I'm trying to
walk a line, here.

897
00:44:11,471 --> 00:44:12,711
I want to be fair to you
and to him, you know?

898
00:44:12,791 --> 00:44:14,551
I think you're being a
little more fair to him.

899
00:44:14,631 --> 00:44:15,711
Oh, come on.

900
00:44:16,792 --> 00:44:20,031
You know, your boss called this
morning asking me how my arm was.

901
00:44:20,871 --> 00:44:21,831
Huh?

902
00:44:21,951 --> 00:44:24,991
Yeah, because of that dog fight
that I tried to break up.

903
00:44:25,712 --> 00:44:26,751
Oh.

904
00:44:27,151 --> 00:44:28,271
If I had to make a guess

905
00:44:28,351 --> 00:44:30,471
I would say that you made
up some bullshit excuse

906
00:44:30,551 --> 00:44:31,871
to get out of work
to go to Ted's.

907
00:44:31,951 --> 00:44:34,231
Now, am I right?

908
00:44:35,711 --> 00:44:36,831
I made you out to
be a hero.

909
00:44:36,911 --> 00:44:38,192
You know what, John,
we asked Ted to move out

910
00:44:38,271 --> 00:44:39,751
so we can give ourselves
a chance without him.

911
00:44:39,991 --> 00:44:41,791
You're not giving
anything a chance

912
00:44:41,911 --> 00:44:44,351
if you keep blowing off work to
get high with your teddy bear.

913
00:44:45,671 --> 00:44:47,231
You're right.

914
00:44:47,911 --> 00:44:49,911
I've been getting stoned too much.
I know that.

915
00:44:50,071 --> 00:44:53,191
I've been bumming around with Ted too much.
I know that, too.

916
00:44:53,271 --> 00:44:55,431
You give me one more chance,
I promise I can fix it.

917
00:44:56,471 --> 00:44:59,951
John, I need a man. Not a
little boy with a teddy bear.

918
00:45:00,031 --> 00:45:03,151
I know, done. Man. Right here,
in front of you, all right?

919
00:45:03,231 --> 00:45:05,711
Look at these pecs.
These are man pecs.

920
00:45:05,791 --> 00:45:08,151
Look at the hair on my upper lip.
That's man hair.

921
00:45:09,191 --> 00:45:11,071
I just farted.
That was a man fart.

922
00:45:17,951 --> 00:45:22,151
Fine, John, but this is, I swear
to God, your last chance.

923
00:45:22,591 --> 00:45:23,871
Trust me. I love you.

924
00:45:24,191 --> 00:45:25,471
All right, I love you.

925
00:45:25,631 --> 00:45:27,751
I love you so much. You
won't be sorry, I swear.

926
00:45:28,671 --> 00:45:29,951
Did you really just fart?

927
00:45:30,111 --> 00:45:32,111
Yeah, but I pushed it
that way with my hand.

928
00:45:32,991 --> 00:45:34,711
I wonder who it's
going to hit first.

929
00:45:34,791 --> 00:45:36,551
So, if I told him once,
I told him a million times

930
00:45:36,671 --> 00:45:39,391
these numbers do not add up.

931
00:45:39,471 --> 00:45:41,271
Who did this to us?

932
00:45:41,351 --> 00:45:44,631
God damn it!
I'm here on business!

933
00:45:48,550 --> 00:45:50,151
All right,
here we go.

934
00:45:53,311 --> 00:45:54,671
I'm really glad
that you came.

935
00:45:54,751 --> 00:45:55,951
Me, too.
Yeah?

936
00:45:56,031 --> 00:45:57,991
Is it okay if I
kick your boss's ass?

937
00:45:58,071 --> 00:45:59,950
That won't affect your
workplace chemistry, will it?

938
00:46:00,031 --> 00:46:01,551
Please play nice.

939
00:46:01,631 --> 00:46:02,751
For you, I will.

940
00:46:02,830 --> 00:46:04,231
Thank you.
Anything.

941
00:46:06,871 --> 00:46:09,431
There she is. I was worried
you weren't coming.

942
00:46:09,511 --> 00:46:11,831
Hey, squirt, how you doing?
Where's your bunny rabbit?

943
00:46:12,311 --> 00:46:13,271
He's a bear.

944
00:46:13,351 --> 00:46:16,631
Got it. Oh, my God! This
house is fucking huge!

945
00:46:16,711 --> 00:46:19,071
I know. Try not to get lost.
Come on in.

946
00:46:30,031 --> 00:46:32,030
Wow! Here
are the ladies.

947
00:46:32,190 --> 00:46:34,910
Look at you guys.
You guys look amazing.

948
00:46:35,070 --> 00:46:37,031
A little heavy on the eye
makeup, but pretty good.

949
00:46:37,191 --> 00:46:38,231
Thank you, Rex.
Thank you.

950
00:46:38,311 --> 00:46:39,310
You guys know
Lori and Jim, right?

951
00:46:39,391 --> 00:46:40,390
John.

952
00:46:40,471 --> 00:46:41,711
- You guys remember John.
- Hi.

953
00:46:41,951 --> 00:46:45,831
Listen, why don't John and I
go get a drink at the bar?

954
00:46:46,430 --> 00:46:47,431
Sure.

955
00:46:47,511 --> 00:46:49,870
Great, we'll be right back.
Come on, buddy.

956
00:46:51,230 --> 00:46:52,991
It's an old sweater, huh?

957
00:46:53,990 --> 00:46:55,951
This is Wade Boggs'
autographed bat.

958
00:46:56,030 --> 00:46:58,551
I just barely outbid Phil
Donahue for that at auction.

959
00:46:58,630 --> 00:46:59,630
Wow, cool.

960
00:46:59,711 --> 00:47:01,591
Yeah, cool.

961
00:47:01,670 --> 00:47:04,670
These boxing gloves were worn by
Joe Louis in his first fight.

962
00:47:05,671 --> 00:47:07,631
This is art.
Get it?

963
00:47:10,271 --> 00:47:11,950
These were
John Lennon's glasses.

964
00:47:12,031 --> 00:47:13,750
They're worth,
like, a million dollars.

965
00:47:13,831 --> 00:47:15,270
That's me
and Tom Skerritt.

966
00:47:15,551 --> 00:47:16,470
Oh.

967
00:47:16,551 --> 00:47:17,951
Check this out.

968
00:47:19,070 --> 00:47:21,150
It's Lance Armstrong's nut.

969
00:47:21,231 --> 00:47:22,910
I had it
freeze-dried and bronzed.

970
00:47:23,551 --> 00:47:24,951
Every now and then
when my life's

971
00:47:25,031 --> 00:47:27,151
getting me down
and things are tough,

972
00:47:27,310 --> 00:47:30,151
I just come up here
and I look at it.

973
00:47:31,391 --> 00:47:34,791
And it reminds me that
things aren't so bad.

974
00:47:36,591 --> 00:47:38,471
Sometimes you feel
like a nut.

975
00:47:39,390 --> 00:47:40,951
Sometimes you don't.

976
00:47:42,550 --> 00:47:46,031
So, talk to me, Johnny Quest. How
are things with you and Lori?

977
00:47:46,110 --> 00:47:47,551
Things are great,
actually.

978
00:47:47,630 --> 00:47:49,790
That's great.
That is great.

979
00:47:51,151 --> 00:47:53,670
You know, Lori would
hate me for saying this,

980
00:47:53,751 --> 00:47:55,870
but she told me how
you are at the office.

981
00:47:56,031 --> 00:47:57,630
And, as one gentleman to
another, I just want to say

982
00:47:57,711 --> 00:47:59,871
I really hope you fucking
get Lou Gehrig's disease.

983
00:48:03,230 --> 00:48:05,470
I think I need to clear
the air here a little.

984
00:48:05,631 --> 00:48:08,671
Yeah, I'm kind of a
fun-time boss and what-not.

985
00:48:08,831 --> 00:48:11,630
But, look, man, I do that
with everybody at the office.

986
00:48:11,711 --> 00:48:12,830
I'm a kook.

987
00:48:12,911 --> 00:48:14,871
I have no designs
on your girlfriend.

988
00:48:14,950 --> 00:48:16,911
We work together,
and that's it.

989
00:48:17,031 --> 00:48:20,670
I think you're a great guy
and she's a very lucky girl.

990
00:48:22,271 --> 00:48:23,511
Well, that's good to hear.

991
00:48:23,590 --> 00:48:24,751
Yeah.

992
00:48:26,631 --> 00:48:27,631
Excuse me.

993
00:48:28,470 --> 00:48:29,430
Hey, Ted.

994
00:48:29,511 --> 00:48:31,630
<i> Johnny, where are you? You
got to get over here, man.</i>

995
00:48:31,711 --> 00:48:32,671
Why, what's going on?

996
00:48:32,750 --> 00:48:34,031
Okay, so I'm having
a little impromptu thing

997
00:48:34,110 --> 00:48:35,390
with some people
at my apartment.

998
00:48:35,470 --> 00:48:37,670
And, John,
Sam Jones is here.

999
00:48:38,070 --> 00:48:39,030
What?

1000
00:48:39,111 --> 00:48:41,991
<i>Sam Jones.
Flash-fucking-Gordon is here.</i>

1001
00:48:42,070 --> 00:48:43,190
Holy shit! What?

1002
00:48:43,270 --> 00:48:45,711
You remember I said my buddy's
cousin is friends with Sam Jones?

1003
00:48:45,790 --> 00:48:47,150
My buddy's in town
with his cousin,

1004
00:48:47,231 --> 00:48:48,991
and who do you think is with him?
Sam Jones.

1005
00:48:49,151 --> 00:48:51,550
<i>Sam Jones is here,
and, John,</i>

1006
00:48:51,631 --> 00:48:54,110
<i> his hair is
parted down the middle.</i>

1007
00:48:54,590 --> 00:48:55,830
Just like in the movie.

1008
00:48:55,910 --> 00:48:58,230
<i>Yes. Get over here
right now.</i>

1009
00:48:58,390 --> 00:48:59,590
Fuck, I can't!

1010
00:48:59,670 --> 00:49:01,471
I'm with Lori here.
I'm already on probation.

1011
00:49:03,710 --> 00:49:04,791
I can't.

1012
00:49:04,870 --> 00:49:08,110
John, Flash Gordon was the most important
influence of our formative years.

1013
00:49:08,191 --> 00:49:10,470
He taught us right from
wrong, good from evil.

1014
00:49:10,551 --> 00:49:12,270
And that the word
"acting" apparently

1015
00:49:12,350 --> 00:49:14,030
has an extremely
broad definition.

1016
00:49:14,190 --> 00:49:17,271
<i>Flash Gordon is the symbol
of our friendship, John.</i>

1017
00:49:17,350 --> 00:49:19,390
<i>Come share this with me.</i>

1018
00:49:20,310 --> 00:49:21,550
I'm coming.

1019
00:49:22,071 --> 00:49:23,870
Rex, I got to go.

1020
00:49:24,630 --> 00:49:26,790
I'll be back in 30 minutes,
tops, okay?

1021
00:49:26,871 --> 00:49:29,310
But Lori cannot find out. She
absolutely cannot know I was gone.

1022
00:49:29,790 --> 00:49:32,390
If you can cover for me, I'm
cool with all that other shit.

1023
00:49:32,990 --> 00:49:35,270
I got your back on this. She won't know.
I've been there.

1024
00:49:35,430 --> 00:49:36,910
All right, this is
one man to another.

1025
00:49:36,990 --> 00:49:38,990
I don't really know you, but
I'm trusting you, as a man.

1026
00:49:39,071 --> 00:49:40,070
This is serious.

1027
00:49:40,350 --> 00:49:43,950
Dude, one man to another.
I got you on this.

1028
00:49:44,110 --> 00:49:46,110
Thank you.
I'll be back.

1029
00:49:47,550 --> 00:49:49,510
I'm going to have sex
with your girlfriend.

1030
00:50:29,470 --> 00:50:31,190
Johnny, thank Christ
you made it.

1031
00:50:31,350 --> 00:50:32,910
Dude, I got 10 minutes.
Where's Flash Gordon?

1032
00:50:32,990 --> 00:50:33,950
Okay, get ready.

1033
00:50:34,030 --> 00:50:36,350
Hey, Sam, this is the guy
I was telling you about.

1034
00:50:43,550 --> 00:50:44,510
<i> Flash!</i>

1035
00:50:45,110 --> 00:50:46,430
<i>A-ah!</i>

1036
00:50:47,110 --> 00:50:48,670
<i>Savior of the universe!</i>

1037
00:50:56,350 --> 00:50:57,310
<i>Flash!</i>

1038
00:50:57,790 --> 00:50:58,910
<i>A-ah!</i>

1039
00:50:59,550 --> 00:51:00,990
<i>He'll save every one of us!</i>

1040
00:51:04,350 --> 00:51:08,230
<i>Just a man
with a man's courage</i>

1041
00:51:09,470 --> 00:51:12,270
<i>He knows nothing but a man</i>

1042
00:51:13,030 --> 00:51:15,270
<i>But he can never fail</i>

1043
00:51:16,990 --> 00:51:22,110
<i>No one but the pure in heart
Can find the golden grail</i>

1044
00:51:35,109 --> 00:51:36,670
How you doing?
Good to meet you.

1045
00:51:37,989 --> 00:51:40,070
I thank you for
saving every one of us.

1046
00:51:40,150 --> 00:51:41,149
Well, you're welcome.

1047
00:51:41,510 --> 00:51:42,789
He acknowledged it.

1048
00:51:42,950 --> 00:51:43,950
Let's do some shots.

1049
00:51:44,029 --> 00:51:45,030
With you?

1050
00:51:45,190 --> 00:51:47,110
Oh, my God, yes!
Oh, my God, yes!

1051
00:51:47,189 --> 00:51:48,190
Let's go!

1052
00:51:51,950 --> 00:51:52,949
Thanks, Flash.

1053
00:51:53,030 --> 00:51:54,589
There you go, my friend.
Thank you.

1054
00:51:54,790 --> 00:51:56,550
Death to Ming!

1055
00:51:57,030 --> 00:51:58,149
Yes!

1056
00:52:00,830 --> 00:52:02,310
You know,
you guys seem pretty cool.

1057
00:52:02,470 --> 00:52:03,909
You like to party?

1058
00:52:05,429 --> 00:52:06,430
Uh...

1059
00:52:06,550 --> 00:52:07,510
Cocaine, right?

1060
00:52:07,590 --> 00:52:10,270
Come on, dudes. Don't tell
me you never done it before.

1061
00:52:10,790 --> 00:52:12,870
Not recently, no.

1062
00:52:13,030 --> 00:52:14,710
I thought that was just
for people in Florida.

1063
00:52:14,870 --> 00:52:16,030
You better follow me.

1064
00:52:16,190 --> 00:52:17,270
Come on.

1065
00:52:17,349 --> 00:52:18,910
Johnny, I'm frightened.

1066
00:52:27,430 --> 00:52:29,950
We are going to
party like the '80s.

1067
00:52:30,030 --> 00:52:31,150
Show us how, Flash.

1068
00:52:31,229 --> 00:52:32,430
It's easy.

1069
00:52:32,510 --> 00:52:34,789
We just gotta nail a lot
of girls named Stephanie.

1070
00:52:34,870 --> 00:52:36,790
God, Johnny,
I got so much energy.

1071
00:52:36,870 --> 00:52:38,590
We better start
doing stupid shit.

1072
00:52:46,790 --> 00:52:48,030
Look, Johnny,
if we're ever going to

1073
00:52:48,110 --> 00:52:49,270
get serious about
opening a restaurant

1074
00:52:49,350 --> 00:52:50,310
we got to start
planning it now.

1075
00:52:50,390 --> 00:52:51,550
Italian.
Italian, yes.

1076
00:52:51,590 --> 00:52:53,230
What's the special on Tuesdays?
Eggplant parm.

1077
00:52:53,309 --> 00:52:54,310
Chopped salad, half price.

1078
00:52:54,389 --> 00:52:55,509
And it's
a non-restricted place.

1079
00:52:55,590 --> 00:52:57,390
Yeah. What do you mean?
Anybody can come.

1080
00:52:57,470 --> 00:52:58,830
Of course.
Jews are welcome.

1081
00:52:58,909 --> 00:52:59,950
Well, yeah.
Why wouldn't they be?

1082
00:53:00,029 --> 00:53:01,070
Exactly,
that's what I'm saying.

1083
00:53:01,150 --> 00:53:02,190
Why even bring that up?

1084
00:53:02,270 --> 00:53:03,444
You don't bring it up,
you just let them in.

1085
00:53:03,510 --> 00:53:04,910
Why mention it?
No one will.

1086
00:53:04,990 --> 00:53:05,990
Why are we
talking about it?

1087
00:53:06,069 --> 00:53:07,505
You're talking about it. I'm
just saying, let them in.

1088
00:53:07,549 --> 00:53:09,310
Let them in. Right. Okay.
Exactly. Good.

1089
00:53:09,390 --> 00:53:10,350
No Mexicans, though.

1090
00:53:13,309 --> 00:53:15,109
This is how everybody
sang in the '90s.

1091
00:53:26,430 --> 00:53:28,389
Trust me, I can do this.
Shut up.

1092
00:53:28,549 --> 00:53:29,669
Let him try it, man.

1093
00:53:29,789 --> 00:53:30,950
All right, fuck it.

1094
00:53:34,309 --> 00:53:36,190
Go, go, go!

1095
00:53:44,349 --> 00:53:45,630
You son of a bitch!

1096
00:53:45,709 --> 00:53:47,790
Well, you never should have trusted me.
I'm on drugs.

1097
00:53:56,350 --> 00:53:58,110
Hey, Johnny,
I just had a great idea.

1098
00:53:58,189 --> 00:54:00,509
Let's go get drunk and puke
on cars from the overpass.

1099
00:54:00,590 --> 00:54:03,549
Come on, I do not sound
that much like Peter Griffin.

1100
00:54:06,389 --> 00:54:08,430
You can do any '90s
song with just vowels.

1101
00:54:15,189 --> 00:54:18,229
<i>A-E-I-O-U</i>

1102
00:54:20,350 --> 00:54:23,389
See? There, proof. Garfield's
eyes look like a pair of tits.

1103
00:54:23,470 --> 00:54:24,430
You were right.

1104
00:54:24,509 --> 00:54:26,989
If you can punch through this wall,
you really are Flash Gordon.

1105
00:54:27,149 --> 00:54:28,150
Are you going to do it?

1106
00:54:28,229 --> 00:54:29,189
I'm going to
punch through it.

1107
00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:30,589
Come on, Sam, do it!
Do it!

1108
00:54:31,549 --> 00:54:33,469
Oh, my God!

1109
00:54:34,829 --> 00:54:36,110
Yes! He did it!

1110
00:54:37,470 --> 00:54:38,469
What the hell you problem?

1111
00:54:38,629 --> 00:54:41,149
You break my wall!
I break you wall!

1112
00:54:45,430 --> 00:54:46,390
Break his arm off!

1113
00:54:46,469 --> 00:54:48,190
We're going to die.
We're all going to die.

1114
00:54:48,310 --> 00:54:49,710
Break this up,
break this up.

1115
00:54:49,789 --> 00:54:50,749
Get him!

1116
00:54:51,909 --> 00:54:54,669
You break my wall!
This my home long time.

1117
00:54:54,750 --> 00:54:56,469
You break my wall,
you bastard men.

1118
00:54:56,550 --> 00:54:57,869
We're sorry,
it was an accident, okay?

1119
00:54:57,949 --> 00:55:00,469
I try to make duck dinner,
now plaster everywhere.

1120
00:55:00,549 --> 00:55:03,189
Chill out. Can we just talk about this?
What's your name? I'm John.

1121
00:55:03,349 --> 00:55:04,749
My name is Wan Ming.

1122
00:55:05,029 --> 00:55:06,030
Ming?

1123
00:55:06,189 --> 00:55:07,869
You pay many dollar
for wall!

1124
00:55:07,950 --> 00:55:10,550
This bullshit!
This all bullshit!

1125
00:55:10,709 --> 00:55:12,629
Death to Ming!

1126
00:55:35,269 --> 00:55:36,349
Rape!

1127
00:55:38,949 --> 00:55:39,949
Sam, let him go.

1128
00:55:45,230 --> 00:55:47,269
You crazy!
You crazy, man!

1129
00:55:47,669 --> 00:55:49,069
Come on, James Franco.

1130
00:55:52,069 --> 00:55:54,109
You pay for wall!

1131
00:55:54,430 --> 00:55:55,869
Move, sucker!

1132
00:56:12,869 --> 00:56:14,829
Greatest night ever!

1133
00:56:25,229 --> 00:56:26,390
Hey.

1134
00:56:26,670 --> 00:56:27,669
Hey, Guy.

1135
00:56:27,869 --> 00:56:29,229
What's going on?

1136
00:56:30,109 --> 00:56:32,430
This is Jared. He's the
guy who beat me up.

1137
00:56:32,829 --> 00:56:34,269
And we're in love.

1138
00:56:35,229 --> 00:56:36,149
Huh?

1139
00:56:36,229 --> 00:56:38,949
Turns out I'm gay,
or whatever.

1140
00:56:39,709 --> 00:56:40,709
I had no idea.

1141
00:56:41,869 --> 00:56:44,909
Hey, Jared, let's go grab
another one of these.

1142
00:56:48,309 --> 00:56:49,389
How we doing, ace?

1143
00:56:49,869 --> 00:56:51,109
You coming down?

1144
00:56:51,269 --> 00:56:53,029
Yeah, I don't feel so good.

1145
00:56:53,189 --> 00:56:56,029
Give it a couple of hours.
You'll be golden, Ponyboy.

1146
00:56:56,509 --> 00:56:57,749
You want a Xanax?

1147
00:56:59,269 --> 00:57:00,429
Holy shit. Oh, my God.

1148
00:57:00,509 --> 00:57:01,469
What?

1149
00:57:02,589 --> 00:57:04,189
I got to go.

1150
00:57:11,909 --> 00:57:12,909
Lori, I...

1151
00:57:14,269 --> 00:57:15,389
Lori!

1152
00:57:17,189 --> 00:57:19,389
Lori, wait, please.

1153
00:57:20,229 --> 00:57:22,029
Look, I'm sorry,
I messed up...

1154
00:57:22,109 --> 00:57:23,909
John, I need you out of
the apartment tonight.

1155
00:57:24,349 --> 00:57:25,709
Can I... Just give
me the car keys.

1156
00:57:25,789 --> 00:57:27,589
Can I please just explain? No.

1157
00:57:27,789 --> 00:57:28,749
Look, I was...

1158
00:57:28,829 --> 00:57:31,149
I have given up a huge
chunk of my life for you.

1159
00:57:31,309 --> 00:57:33,829
I was going to stop in for like five
minutes and then Flash Gordon...

1160
00:57:33,989 --> 00:57:35,869
Just give me
the car keys.

1161
00:57:45,789 --> 00:57:47,029
Lori.

1162
00:57:47,389 --> 00:57:48,869
Lori, please, I love you.

1163
00:58:02,109 --> 00:58:04,709
Johnny, there you are.
I had to get some air.

1164
00:58:04,789 --> 00:58:06,788
That guy from your office
is in there on the couch

1165
00:58:06,869 --> 00:58:08,909
making out with that
Van Wilder-looking guy.

1166
00:58:09,149 --> 00:58:11,069
You know what? Fuck you. I don't
even want to talk to you.

1167
00:58:11,909 --> 00:58:12,909
What?

1168
00:58:12,989 --> 00:58:15,149
Do you know
what just happened?

1169
00:58:15,229 --> 00:58:17,508
Do you have any clue?
My fucking life just ended!

1170
00:58:18,188 --> 00:58:19,629
Come on.
She'll go home,

1171
00:58:19,709 --> 00:58:21,629
she'll watch Bridget
Jones-something-asshole.

1172
00:58:21,709 --> 00:58:23,829
She'll have a good cry, she'll be fine.
You'll talk to her tomorrow.

1173
00:58:23,948 --> 00:58:25,588
Come on upstairs. Are you
even listening to me?

1174
00:58:25,669 --> 00:58:27,709
Do you give any
shred of a shit?

1175
00:58:28,829 --> 00:58:30,509
Of course I do, Johnny.

1176
00:58:30,589 --> 00:58:32,389
"Thunder buddies
for life," remember?

1177
00:58:32,469 --> 00:58:34,949
Jesus! Lori was right.

1178
00:58:35,029 --> 00:58:37,309
I should have stopped hanging
out with you a long time ago.

1179
00:58:37,469 --> 00:58:39,308
I'm never going to have
a life with you around.

1180
00:58:39,469 --> 00:58:41,829
I'm 35 years old
and I'm going nowhere.

1181
00:58:41,908 --> 00:58:45,229
All I do is smoke pot and watch
movies with a teddy-fucking-bear.

1182
00:58:45,309 --> 00:58:47,709
Because of that, I just
lost the love of my life.

1183
00:58:48,429 --> 00:58:49,748
Johnny, I'm...

1184
00:58:49,909 --> 00:58:50,989
I'm sorry.

1185
00:58:51,149 --> 00:58:53,389
I gotta be on my own, Ted.
I can't see you any more.

1186
00:58:55,989 --> 00:58:58,029
John, wait. Listen.

1187
00:58:58,388 --> 00:59:00,428
<i>I love you!</i>

1188
00:59:57,188 --> 01:00:00,549
So, word through the
grapevine is that you're

1189
01:00:00,668 --> 01:00:01,709
newly solo.

1190
01:00:01,908 --> 01:00:03,749
Rex, I have a lot of
work I need to get to.

1191
01:00:04,068 --> 01:00:07,029
I have tickets to Norah Jones
at the Hatch Shell tonight

1192
01:00:07,108 --> 01:00:09,629
and I would love it
if you would go with me.

1193
01:00:09,909 --> 01:00:12,789
You're asking me out a week
after I broke up with somebody?

1194
01:00:13,229 --> 01:00:15,308
Look, I'm going to
cut the shit, here.

1195
01:00:15,389 --> 01:00:16,349
Please.

1196
01:00:16,629 --> 01:00:19,828
This is the first time
that you've been single

1197
01:00:19,909 --> 01:00:21,348
in all the years
you've worked here.

1198
01:00:21,989 --> 01:00:24,469
Just go out with me
one time.

1199
01:00:24,548 --> 01:00:26,188
And if you're miserable
and you hate it

1200
01:00:26,268 --> 01:00:30,428
then I promise I will never
even hint at the subject again.

1201
01:00:31,908 --> 01:00:32,868
Please.

1202
01:00:33,109 --> 01:00:34,508
Rex, I don't think
it's smart.

1203
01:00:34,628 --> 01:00:36,669
I'm an asshole,
I know that.

1204
01:00:36,748 --> 01:00:38,029
It worked for me
in high school,

1205
01:00:38,108 --> 01:00:39,549
and it's been
a reflex ever since.

1206
01:00:39,988 --> 01:00:42,068
Lori,
the worst that can happen

1207
01:00:42,429 --> 01:00:44,788
is that you go on
a fun, casual date

1208
01:00:44,869 --> 01:00:46,829
with a guy who
just wants a chance

1209
01:00:46,908 --> 01:00:50,268
to prove that he can be
something more than a jerk.

1210
01:00:50,348 --> 01:00:52,589
Plus, you are a huge catch.

1211
01:00:52,668 --> 01:00:54,629
And it's about time someone
treated you that way.

1212
01:00:56,788 --> 01:00:58,708
Fuck it. Fine.

1213
01:00:58,869 --> 01:01:00,988
Fine. It sure as hell beats crying
myself to sleep every night.

1214
01:01:01,069 --> 01:01:03,188
And if that means
getting you off my back,

1215
01:01:03,269 --> 01:01:04,548
well, that's just a bonus.

1216
01:01:04,629 --> 01:01:06,029
I'll pick you up at 8:00.

1217
01:01:13,308 --> 01:01:15,749
Johnny. It's me.

1218
01:01:16,149 --> 01:01:17,148
Go away.

1219
01:01:17,468 --> 01:01:20,068
Johnny, open the door,
please, I want to talk.

1220
01:01:29,388 --> 01:01:31,348
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck, man?

1221
01:01:31,508 --> 01:01:33,628
Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know
you're pissed, all right?

1222
01:01:33,788 --> 01:01:35,708
But just listen to me
for five seconds.

1223
01:01:35,909 --> 01:01:37,988
I saw Lori leaving
the apartment with Rex.

1224
01:01:38,068 --> 01:01:39,028
What?

1225
01:01:39,108 --> 01:01:40,388
I'm serious, John.
I went over to talk to her

1226
01:01:40,468 --> 01:01:42,028
and maybe take some
of the heat off you.

1227
01:01:42,108 --> 01:01:43,428
And there he was,
picking her up.

1228
01:01:43,508 --> 01:01:44,788
They were going
to the Hatch Shell.

1229
01:01:44,948 --> 01:01:46,788
You're fucking unbelievable,
you know that?

1230
01:01:46,868 --> 01:01:48,389
How stupid
do you think I am?

1231
01:01:48,468 --> 01:01:49,909
If you think that by
making shit like that up

1232
01:01:49,988 --> 01:01:51,868
you're going to make me choose
some kind of loyalty to you

1233
01:01:51,948 --> 01:01:53,069
over her you're out
of your fucking mind.

1234
01:01:53,148 --> 01:01:55,228
Johnny, it's the truth,
I'm telling you.

1235
01:01:55,308 --> 01:01:57,148
You know what?
Get out of here.

1236
01:01:58,068 --> 01:02:00,388
You know what? You're acting like a cock.
You know that?

1237
01:02:00,548 --> 01:02:01,908
What? I'm acting
like a cock?

1238
01:02:01,988 --> 01:02:02,948
Yes, you are.

1239
01:02:03,028 --> 01:02:04,948
So shut your meat hole for
a second and listen to me.

1240
01:02:05,148 --> 01:02:06,588
Huh?
Meat hole? What?

1241
01:02:06,668 --> 01:02:08,149
That's not right,
is it? No.

1242
01:02:08,308 --> 01:02:09,988
"Pudding hole"?
Is that what they say?

1243
01:02:10,069 --> 01:02:11,108
No, it can't be
that either.

1244
01:02:11,348 --> 01:02:14,468
Because, "How can you have any
pudding if you don't eat your meat?"

1245
01:02:14,628 --> 01:02:16,708
Right? Pink Floyd.

1246
01:02:16,868 --> 01:02:18,628
Look, the point is,
you're blaming me

1247
01:02:18,709 --> 01:02:20,388
for something that
you did to yourself.

1248
01:02:21,028 --> 01:02:22,188
Lori was right about you.

1249
01:02:22,348 --> 01:02:25,828
You cannot take responsibility for
anything that goes on in your life.

1250
01:02:25,988 --> 01:02:26,988
Oh, and you can?

1251
01:02:27,068 --> 01:02:29,228
I don't have to.
I'm a fucking teddy bear.

1252
01:02:29,668 --> 01:02:32,708
You know something? I didn't tie
you up and drag you to that party.

1253
01:02:32,788 --> 01:02:35,628
I wanted you to come because
you're supposedly my best friend.

1254
01:02:35,708 --> 01:02:36,828
You can't stand there
and tell me

1255
01:02:36,908 --> 01:02:38,868
that you haven't always seen Lori
as a threat to our friendship.

1256
01:02:38,948 --> 01:02:40,268
It works out
so much better for you

1257
01:02:40,348 --> 01:02:41,588
when you and I are
getting fucked up

1258
01:02:41,668 --> 01:02:42,868
on the couch at 9:00
A.M., doesn't it?

1259
01:02:43,148 --> 01:02:44,188
Listen to yourself.

1260
01:02:44,348 --> 01:02:46,788
What am I? Emperor Ming,
here, controlling your mind?

1261
01:02:46,948 --> 01:02:48,468
That's your choice, John.

1262
01:02:48,668 --> 01:02:50,308
And by blaming me,
you, you're just

1263
01:02:50,388 --> 01:02:51,948
making yourself
look like a pussy.

1264
01:02:54,468 --> 01:02:56,148
Sometimes I think back to
that Christmas morning

1265
01:02:56,228 --> 01:02:57,348
when I was eight years old.

1266
01:02:57,428 --> 01:02:59,068
I wish I had just
gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.

1267
01:03:00,588 --> 01:03:02,068
Say that one more time.

1268
01:03:02,468 --> 01:03:05,228
Teddy Rux-fucking-pin!

1269
01:03:27,548 --> 01:03:28,588
Shit!

1270
01:03:32,668 --> 01:03:33,708
Fuck, man!

1271
01:04:16,748 --> 01:04:18,348
Ow! Fuck! Cocksucker!

1272
01:04:19,628 --> 01:04:21,268
Fucking stop! Fuck!

1273
01:04:32,987 --> 01:04:34,148
Why are you crying?

1274
01:04:34,787 --> 01:04:37,947
My dick is squished
by the TV.

1275
01:04:47,428 --> 01:04:49,148
I'm so sorry, Johnny.

1276
01:04:49,348 --> 01:04:50,748
So am I, man.

1277
01:04:51,268 --> 01:04:52,668
I love you.

1278
01:04:52,828 --> 01:04:54,267
I love you, too.

1279
01:04:54,748 --> 01:04:56,027
Listen.

1280
01:04:56,548 --> 01:04:58,828
You got to let me help you make
things right with you and Lori.

1281
01:04:59,228 --> 01:05:01,628
There's no putting things right.
She fucking hates me.

1282
01:05:01,988 --> 01:05:05,548
No, John.
We can get her back.

1283
01:05:05,748 --> 01:05:06,708
Look,

1284
01:05:07,707 --> 01:05:09,708
you remember
when you were 10,

1285
01:05:09,868 --> 01:05:12,387
and you hit that squirrel
with your BB gun?

1286
01:05:12,548 --> 01:05:14,188
And then when we saw
it fall from the tree,

1287
01:05:14,267 --> 01:05:16,227
we both started crying,
you remember?

1288
01:05:16,388 --> 01:05:17,668
And then we ran up to it

1289
01:05:17,788 --> 01:05:21,788
and we tried to give it CPR,
and it came back to life.

1290
01:05:21,947 --> 01:05:23,708
John, we could
do that again.

1291
01:05:23,788 --> 01:05:24,788
Ted,

1292
01:05:24,987 --> 01:05:27,508
we crushed its ribcage and blew out
its lungs trying to give it CPR.

1293
01:05:27,587 --> 01:05:28,707
It died.

1294
01:05:29,868 --> 01:05:32,787
Come on. We're going
to the Hatch Shell.

1295
01:06:19,668 --> 01:06:20,748
Yeah!

1296
01:06:20,827 --> 01:06:23,628
Thanks. We're going to take a short
break, but we'll be back in a few.

1297
01:06:31,468 --> 01:06:32,987
Play <i>Chopsticks,</i>
you jazzy slut.

1298
01:06:33,068 --> 01:06:34,068
Teddy!

1299
01:06:35,347 --> 01:06:36,268
How are you?

1300
01:06:36,347 --> 01:06:37,908
How are you doing,
you fuzzy little asshole?

1301
01:06:37,987 --> 01:06:39,907
Well, I'm not a hot,
half-Muslim chick

1302
01:06:39,987 --> 01:06:42,428
who sold 37 million records,
but I'm hanging in there.

1303
01:06:43,067 --> 01:06:44,427
Half-indian, but thanks.

1304
01:06:44,507 --> 01:06:45,467
Yeah, whatever.
Thanks for 9/11.

1305
01:06:45,547 --> 01:06:47,467
Listen, I want you to meet a
good pal of mine, all right?

1306
01:06:47,547 --> 01:06:49,227
John Bennett, Norah Jones.

1307
01:06:49,307 --> 01:06:50,827
Hi, Norah Jones.

1308
01:06:50,908 --> 01:06:52,988
Hey, there, sweaty.

1309
01:06:54,587 --> 01:06:55,787
You ready to
bring down the house?

1310
01:06:55,868 --> 01:06:58,907
Yes, ma'am. Thank you for
the opportunity, Miss...

1311
01:06:58,987 --> 01:07:00,907
Ma'am Jones.
Thank you.

1312
01:07:01,068 --> 01:07:02,588
Jesus, you look fantastic.

1313
01:07:02,868 --> 01:07:05,068
Well, you're probably not used
to seeing me fully clothed.

1314
01:07:05,147 --> 01:07:06,548
Yeah, I know, right?

1315
01:07:06,627 --> 01:07:10,108
Me and Norah met in 2002 at a
party at Belinda Carlisle's house

1316
01:07:10,268 --> 01:07:12,547
and we had awkward
fuzzy sex in the coatroom.

1317
01:07:12,707 --> 01:07:14,627
Actually, you weren't so bad
for a guy with no penis.

1318
01:07:14,827 --> 01:07:17,787
You know, I have written so many
angry letters to Hasbro about that.

1319
01:07:20,387 --> 01:07:21,427
Thank you.

1320
01:07:21,587 --> 01:07:23,267
Now, I'm going to
give my chops a rest

1321
01:07:23,347 --> 01:07:24,788
and bring a friend up
to the stage.

1322
01:07:24,948 --> 01:07:26,988
He's going to sing a
song to a special lady

1323
01:07:27,067 --> 01:07:29,147
in the audience
who he loves very much.

1324
01:07:29,307 --> 01:07:32,107
Please give a big hand
to John Bennett.

1325
01:07:35,187 --> 01:07:37,148
Oh, my God.

1326
01:07:37,227 --> 01:07:39,027
Holy shit!

1327
01:07:42,587 --> 01:07:44,347
I gotta fuck her again.

1328
01:07:44,587 --> 01:07:45,547
Uh...

1329
01:07:45,627 --> 01:07:48,987
Hi, my name is John Bennett,

1330
01:07:49,307 --> 01:07:51,227
and this is
for Lori Collins.

1331
01:07:52,147 --> 01:07:53,307
Because I love you.

1332
01:07:54,428 --> 01:07:58,427
This song always reminds me of the
most important night of my life.

1333
01:07:59,467 --> 01:08:00,987
The night we met.

1334
01:08:01,148 --> 01:08:04,827
This is the theme song
from the movie Octopussy.

1335
01:08:09,388 --> 01:08:15,707
<i> All I wanted was a sweet
distraction For an hour or two</i>

1336
01:08:16,507 --> 01:08:20,747
<i>Had no intention to do</i>

1337
01:08:21,907 --> 01:08:23,827
Still better
than Katy Perry.

1338
01:08:26,827 --> 01:08:30,267
<i>Funny how it
always goes with love</i>

1339
01:08:30,427 --> 01:08:33,827
<i>When you don't look,
you find</i>

1340
01:08:33,987 --> 01:08:37,747
<i>But then
we're two of a kind</i>

1341
01:08:38,667 --> 01:08:40,827
<i>We move as one</i>

1342
01:08:42,747 --> 01:08:45,627
<i>We're an all time high</i>

1343
01:08:45,987 --> 01:08:47,267
You suck,
get off the stage!

1344
01:08:47,347 --> 01:08:48,827
Come on.
Give him a chance.

1345
01:08:51,547 --> 01:08:54,187
<i>Doing so much more</i>

1346
01:08:54,387 --> 01:08:55,427
You're an asshole!

1347
01:08:55,987 --> 01:08:57,227
<i>Than falling...</i>

1348
01:09:01,587 --> 01:09:02,627
Oh, Jesus!

1349
01:09:04,147 --> 01:09:05,747
Someone call an ambulance!

1350
01:09:14,787 --> 01:09:16,307
That was insane.

1351
01:09:16,387 --> 01:09:18,187
Did you see the way the
guy's body hit the ground?

1352
01:09:18,267 --> 01:09:19,827
He was like a rag doll.

1353
01:09:20,187 --> 01:09:22,107
Yeah, I'd rather
just not talk about it.

1354
01:09:22,187 --> 01:09:23,707
Do you want to go
get a drink after this?

1355
01:09:23,787 --> 01:09:26,587
I feel like I could use one
after seeing a guy almost die.

1356
01:09:26,667 --> 01:09:29,387
No, I think I'd
rather just have you take me home.

1357
01:09:29,467 --> 01:09:31,307
One drink.
Come on.

1358
01:09:31,387 --> 01:09:33,227
No, not really
feeling up to it.

1359
01:09:33,307 --> 01:09:35,067
All right, I get it.

1360
01:09:35,147 --> 01:09:38,027
And, you know,
I don't blame you.

1361
01:09:38,107 --> 01:09:39,627
I mean,
when you think about it,

1362
01:09:39,707 --> 01:09:42,827
it was actually really unfair of
him to embarrass you like that.

1363
01:09:43,987 --> 01:09:46,347
Just to be clear,
I'm not embarrassed.

1364
01:09:46,747 --> 01:09:49,427
Listen, John and I may have our
problems, but at least he tried.

1365
01:09:51,507 --> 01:09:54,387
You know what? I don't feel
like talking to you about this.

1366
01:09:54,866 --> 01:09:55,907
Where are you going?

1367
01:09:56,067 --> 01:09:58,947
Taking a cab.
I'm going home.

1368
01:10:03,067 --> 01:10:04,387
Finally.

1369
01:10:15,067 --> 01:10:16,227
Down here.

1370
01:10:16,307 --> 01:10:17,906
Not looking up your towel.
Swear to God.

1371
01:10:17,987 --> 01:10:20,386
Not looking up your towel. Not
looking at your funny business.

1372
01:10:20,547 --> 01:10:22,107
Ted, what are you
doing here?

1373
01:10:22,907 --> 01:10:24,187
I need to talk to you.

1374
01:10:24,667 --> 01:10:26,667
Listen, if you're here to fight
John's battles for him...

1375
01:10:26,747 --> 01:10:28,547
Look, just let me
talk first, all right?

1376
01:10:28,627 --> 01:10:30,427
And then you can
say whatever you want.

1377
01:10:34,667 --> 01:10:38,187
Look, John
loves you very much,

1378
01:10:38,267 --> 01:10:39,627
more than
anything in the world,

1379
01:10:39,706 --> 01:10:42,627
and he's falling to fucking
pieces without you.

1380
01:10:43,146 --> 01:10:44,946
He knows
he screwed up huge

1381
01:10:45,027 --> 01:10:48,346
but you've got to believe me,
it wasn't all his fault.

1382
01:10:48,427 --> 01:10:51,987
I told him to bail on you that
night at Rex's and he said, "No."

1383
01:10:52,066 --> 01:10:55,906
He said "no," he was going to stay there
with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori.

1384
01:10:56,387 --> 01:10:58,347
So, if you just give him
one more chance

1385
01:10:58,947 --> 01:11:02,027
I promise I will leave
and I'll never come back.

1386
01:11:02,187 --> 01:11:04,227
All right?
He'll be all yours.

1387
01:11:05,067 --> 01:11:06,947
Ted, that's
a really nice offer,

1388
01:11:07,026 --> 01:11:09,307
but I don't want
you to do that.

1389
01:11:09,466 --> 01:11:13,306
This is between John and me and
I don't think it can be fixed.

1390
01:11:13,466 --> 01:11:14,787
Yeah, because of me!

1391
01:11:14,907 --> 01:11:18,027
Look, Lori,
you want him to be a man.

1392
01:11:18,106 --> 01:11:19,947
But as long as
he's got his teddy bear,

1393
01:11:20,026 --> 01:11:22,067
he's always going to
be a boy.

1394
01:11:24,026 --> 01:11:26,667
He's waiting down
at Charlie's right now.

1395
01:11:26,827 --> 01:11:30,267
So, if you go down there
and just talk to him

1396
01:11:30,427 --> 01:11:32,187
I'll be gone
when you get back.

1397
01:11:33,066 --> 01:11:34,306
Forever.

1398
01:11:34,746 --> 01:11:37,547
And, you'll see,

1399
01:11:37,626 --> 01:11:40,506
he'll never be
scared of thunder again.

1400
01:12:22,426 --> 01:12:25,906
"Michelob Ultra
Tuscan Orange Grapefruit."

1401
01:12:26,067 --> 01:12:28,267
My God,
America is imploding.

1402
01:12:36,947 --> 01:12:37,946
Hi, Ted.

1403
01:12:38,546 --> 01:12:39,547
Fuck!

1404
01:12:57,986 --> 01:12:59,226
Lori, what...

1405
01:12:59,707 --> 01:13:00,706
Hey.

1406
01:13:00,866 --> 01:13:02,027
What are you doing here?

1407
01:13:02,587 --> 01:13:04,347
You can thank Ted.

1408
01:13:07,866 --> 01:13:09,987
Should I sit?

1409
01:13:10,426 --> 01:13:12,386
Yeah, if you want.

1410
01:13:12,626 --> 01:13:13,866
Okay.

1411
01:13:15,866 --> 01:13:17,506
So, work's good?
Everything good, there?

1412
01:13:17,667 --> 01:13:20,066
Yeah. Yeah, work's good.

1413
01:13:21,787 --> 01:13:24,226
I guess we can't make
small talk all day, huh?

1414
01:13:25,466 --> 01:13:29,026
If it's okay with you, I just
want to say what I want to say.

1415
01:13:30,106 --> 01:13:31,586
I could sit here and
tell you I'm sorry,

1416
01:13:31,667 --> 01:13:33,066
it was a huge
misunderstanding,

1417
01:13:33,146 --> 01:13:35,586
and I'm ready to change,

1418
01:13:35,706 --> 01:13:37,466
but I don't think you want
to hear any of that crap.

1419
01:13:38,266 --> 01:13:40,506
I'm not going to try to
get you to take me back.

1420
01:13:40,987 --> 01:13:41,986
Why would you?

1421
01:13:42,066 --> 01:13:43,906
I've been a really shitty boyfriend
for the last four years.

1422
01:13:43,986 --> 01:13:45,546
I don't deserve you.

1423
01:13:46,266 --> 01:13:49,866
I know I didn't take our
relationship seriously but, Lori,

1424
01:13:49,946 --> 01:13:51,706
I do love you more
than life itself.

1425
01:13:53,586 --> 01:13:56,866
All I want is... I just
want to end on good terms.

1426
01:13:56,946 --> 01:13:58,186
I owe that to you.

1427
01:13:58,346 --> 01:14:00,666
I want you to be happy.
You deserve that.

1428
01:14:01,466 --> 01:14:05,267
And I just hope that maybe
we can still be friends.

1429
01:14:06,907 --> 01:14:08,746
Thank you for
being so honest.

1430
01:14:11,706 --> 01:14:13,586
That's pretty much it.

1431
01:14:16,226 --> 01:14:17,306
Thanks for coming by.

1432
01:14:47,506 --> 01:14:48,586
Whoa!

1433
01:14:51,546 --> 01:14:54,026
Yeah, as you can see

1434
01:14:54,106 --> 01:14:57,306
you've been a part of our
family for quite some time.

1435
01:14:59,066 --> 01:15:00,266
Welcome home.

1436
01:15:00,346 --> 01:15:01,826
Yeah, it's kind of
funny, actually.

1437
01:15:01,906 --> 01:15:04,186
I got a lot of pictures of
you guys at my house.

1438
01:15:04,426 --> 01:15:06,106
Is he all mine, Daddy?

1439
01:15:06,706 --> 01:15:09,866
Yes, he is, my little winner.
Yes, he is.

1440
01:15:10,226 --> 01:15:12,226
Ted, you've arrived
at a lucky time.

1441
01:15:12,306 --> 01:15:13,985
It's almost
Robert's play hour.

1442
01:15:14,186 --> 01:15:16,466
Yeah, I'm guessing you guys
don't have a PS3.

1443
01:15:16,546 --> 01:15:19,306
I'm guessing you're more of a "wooden
horse with a wig" kind of family.

1444
01:15:20,106 --> 01:15:21,626
Yeah.

1445
01:15:21,706 --> 01:15:23,506
No. Yeah. No.

1446
01:15:24,026 --> 01:15:24,986
Yeah.

1447
01:15:32,225 --> 01:15:34,106
Yeah, see,
there's the guy.

1448
01:15:34,386 --> 01:15:37,746
Now, Ted, you belong to Robert now, okay?
You do as he says.

1449
01:15:37,906 --> 01:15:39,826
You think you're just going to
get away with a kidnapping?

1450
01:15:39,986 --> 01:15:41,266
That's a nice fucking
example you're setting...

1451
01:15:41,346 --> 01:15:42,426
Language!

1452
01:15:42,506 --> 01:15:43,946
Sorry. Sorry.

1453
01:15:48,986 --> 01:15:51,826
You know, Ted,
when I was a little boy,

1454
01:15:53,826 --> 01:15:55,946
I saw you on television.

1455
01:15:56,105 --> 01:15:57,506
And I thought you were
the most amazing,

1456
01:15:57,586 --> 01:16:00,146
most wonderful thing
I'd ever seen. Ever.

1457
01:16:01,226 --> 01:16:05,705
And I asked my dad if I could have
a magical little teddy bear, too.

1458
01:16:05,786 --> 01:16:07,146
And he said, "No."

1459
01:16:07,506 --> 01:16:09,626
Can you just email me
the rest of this story?

1460
01:16:09,986 --> 01:16:11,946
And I was so heartbroken.

1461
01:16:12,626 --> 01:16:15,305
And I promised myself that
if I ever had a son,

1462
01:16:15,466 --> 01:16:20,346
I would never,
ever, ever say no to him.

1463
01:16:22,386 --> 01:16:23,626
Even

1464
01:16:23,786 --> 01:16:26,666
Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every
once in a while wouldn't hurt.

1465
01:16:26,746 --> 01:16:28,666
Me and Ted are going
to be best friends, Daddy.

1466
01:16:29,186 --> 01:16:32,066
Yes, you are,
my little chipmunk.

1467
01:16:35,546 --> 01:16:37,105
Happy playtime.

1468
01:16:38,986 --> 01:16:40,986
Jesus fucking Christ!

1469
01:16:41,066 --> 01:16:43,106
I said a bad word
one time.

1470
01:16:43,866 --> 01:16:45,426
Daddy punished me
for it.

1471
01:16:45,506 --> 01:16:47,665
That's a great story.
I felt like I was there.

1472
01:16:47,866 --> 01:16:49,585
Daddy gave me an ouch.

1473
01:16:49,865 --> 01:16:52,465
Now, I have to
give you an ouch.

1474
01:16:57,306 --> 01:16:59,546
All right, kid, you win.
We'll do it your way.

1475
01:16:59,625 --> 01:17:01,146
What do you want to do?
You want to play a game?

1476
01:17:01,226 --> 01:17:02,586
It's playtime, right?
We'll play a game.

1477
01:17:02,666 --> 01:17:04,506
Yeah, I want to
play a game.

1478
01:17:04,586 --> 01:17:06,546
Good, good. Let's see.
How about we...

1479
01:17:06,625 --> 01:17:08,306
How about we play a little
game of hide and seek?

1480
01:17:08,665 --> 01:17:10,786
I love hide and seek.
I'll hide.

1481
01:17:10,946 --> 01:17:13,025
Now, hang on a sec, there.

1482
01:17:13,106 --> 01:17:16,505
Your dad likes you to show good manners.
Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?

1483
01:17:16,826 --> 01:17:18,626
Okay. You hide first.

1484
01:17:18,706 --> 01:17:19,745
Great. Fantastic.

1485
01:17:19,826 --> 01:17:23,185
Okay, now you count to 100, and
then you try to find me, okay?

1486
01:17:23,266 --> 01:17:24,266
Okay.

1487
01:17:25,746 --> 01:17:28,306
Do I need to wash my hands
before I play this game?

1488
01:17:28,985 --> 01:17:32,145
No. That's a weird fucking question.
No, just start counting.

1489
01:17:34,185 --> 01:17:36,186
One, two,

1490
01:17:37,025 --> 01:17:40,345
three, four, five,

1491
01:17:41,025 --> 01:17:43,026
six, seven...

1492
01:17:43,186 --> 01:17:45,265
No peeking, now,
or you'll get kid cancer.

1493
01:17:45,425 --> 01:17:48,585
...eight, nine, ten,

1494
01:17:49,226 --> 01:17:52,545
eleven, twelve,
thirteen...

1495
01:18:42,266 --> 01:18:43,465
Ah!

1496
01:19:08,626 --> 01:19:09,625
Hey.

1497
01:19:10,145 --> 01:19:11,346
Hey.

1498
01:19:12,586 --> 01:19:13,826
You walking home
alone, huh?

1499
01:19:14,265 --> 01:19:15,265
Yeah.

1500
01:19:16,545 --> 01:19:17,666
Do you need a lift?

1501
01:19:18,066 --> 01:19:19,105
Oh, I'm okay.

1502
01:19:19,186 --> 01:19:21,745
If I get raped, it'll be my
fault for what I'm wearing.

1503
01:19:22,585 --> 01:19:24,705
Listen, John.

1504
01:19:25,906 --> 01:19:28,065
There's something that I
need to say to you, too.

1505
01:19:42,865 --> 01:19:44,505
Hey.
Hey.

1506
01:19:44,745 --> 01:19:46,346
John, I hope that...

1507
01:19:47,065 --> 01:19:49,145
Listen, I don't want
you to think that...

1508
01:19:52,145 --> 01:19:53,425
Sorry.

1509
01:19:53,905 --> 01:19:56,745
I want us to keep talking
because I think that maybe...

1510
01:19:57,866 --> 01:19:58,865
Go ahead.

1511
01:19:58,945 --> 01:20:00,585
Whoever this is,
it's not a good time.

1512
01:20:00,665 --> 01:20:02,065
John, it's me.
Can you hear me?

1513
01:20:02,545 --> 01:20:04,625
Ted? Listen,
I got to call you back.

1514
01:20:04,705 --> 01:20:06,585
No, John, don't hang up!
I'm in trouble.

1515
01:20:06,985 --> 01:20:08,185
What do you mean?
What kind of trouble?

1516
01:20:08,345 --> 01:20:10,305
They got me. That freaky
guy from the park,

1517
01:20:10,385 --> 01:20:11,986
and that kid who I
think is his son,

1518
01:20:12,065 --> 01:20:13,385
but may also be his lover,
I don't know.

1519
01:20:13,465 --> 01:20:14,745
Whoa, whoa, slow down.
Where are you?

1520
01:20:14,985 --> 01:20:16,025
Uh...

1521
01:20:16,106 --> 01:20:17,425
I'm not sure, it's...

1522
01:20:18,585 --> 01:20:20,505
Hello? Hello, John?

1523
01:20:21,825 --> 01:20:22,826
Hello?

1524
01:20:23,625 --> 01:20:26,025
You're not a very
polite guest, are you?

1525
01:20:26,105 --> 01:20:27,145
Shit!

1526
01:20:27,225 --> 01:20:29,345
Ted, hello? Ted?

1527
01:20:29,425 --> 01:20:30,745
What's the matter?
Is he okay?

1528
01:20:31,185 --> 01:20:32,825
I don't know.
Where is he?

1529
01:20:32,985 --> 01:20:34,625
I don't know. He just
said he was in trouble.

1530
01:20:35,425 --> 01:20:36,745
Can you call him back?

1531
01:20:36,825 --> 01:20:37,985
No, it's blocked.

1532
01:20:39,105 --> 01:20:40,145
Wait a second.

1533
01:20:44,025 --> 01:20:45,905
Go. Take Columbus to Herald
and get on the expressway.

1534
01:20:49,345 --> 01:20:50,905
Hello, 911?

1535
01:20:51,025 --> 01:20:52,265
I need the police
right away.

1536
01:20:52,425 --> 01:20:54,345
This guy took
my teddy bear.

1537
01:20:55,105 --> 01:20:56,105
Hello?

1538
01:20:58,865 --> 01:21:00,945
Let me out of here,
you crazy bastard!

1539
01:21:03,465 --> 01:21:04,425
I hear the fat kid running.
I hear the fat kid running.

1540
01:21:04,505 --> 01:21:06,585
I bet it's hilarious.
Let me out of here!

1541
01:21:06,785 --> 01:21:08,585
I am a citizen of
the United States of America

1542
01:21:08,665 --> 01:21:09,985
and I have rights!

1543
01:21:12,625 --> 01:21:14,105
Robert, seatbelt.

1544
01:21:15,025 --> 01:21:16,825
It should be
right here, somewhere.

1545
01:21:20,945 --> 01:21:21,944
Johnny!

1546
01:21:22,505 --> 01:21:24,905
Whoa, whoa! Stop, stop!
That's them, turn around!

1547
01:21:30,905 --> 01:21:31,905
Stay with them.

1548
01:21:39,545 --> 01:21:40,545
Hang om

1549
01:21:57,825 --> 01:21:59,065
Back off, Susan Boyle!

1550
01:22:04,064 --> 01:22:06,065
Oh, my God! He's going to jump!
Get closer.

1551
01:22:10,825 --> 01:22:12,585
All right, easy.
Come on, Ted.

1552
01:22:16,025 --> 01:22:17,065
Shit!
Yes!

1553
01:22:17,344 --> 01:22:19,625
Hey, Johnny!
Total<i> T.J. Hooker</i>, right?

1554
01:22:19,704 --> 01:22:20,905
Yes! Fucking-A right!

1555
01:22:24,344 --> 01:22:25,425
Oh, shit!

1556
01:22:30,425 --> 01:22:31,385
Go! Go! Go!

1557
01:22:43,704 --> 01:22:44,944
Daddy!

1558
01:22:46,905 --> 01:22:48,705
Let's see how well
you know these streets.

1559
01:22:50,585 --> 01:22:51,585
Where is he?

1560
01:23:11,544 --> 01:23:12,624
Jesus!

1561
01:23:24,584 --> 01:23:25,784
There he is.
Pull over.

1562
01:23:57,985 --> 01:23:58,984
Where?

1563
01:24:00,985 --> 01:24:02,144
No!

1564
01:24:02,225 --> 01:24:06,144
You can't have
my teddy bear!

1565
01:24:12,344 --> 01:24:13,784
Holy shit.

1566
01:24:13,865 --> 01:24:14,865
Sorry.

1567
01:24:14,944 --> 01:24:16,824
Somebody had to go Joan
Crawford on that kid.

1568
01:24:17,104 --> 01:24:18,584
Come on.

1569
01:24:23,065 --> 01:24:24,185
Ted?

1570
01:24:30,625 --> 01:24:31,705
Oh, my God!

1571
01:24:34,784 --> 01:24:35,784
Shit!

1572
01:25:00,824 --> 01:25:01,824
Jesus.

1573
01:25:02,104 --> 01:25:03,945
Stay here. Just stay there!
No, John!

1574
01:25:14,785 --> 01:25:16,264
You're mine, Ted!

1575
01:25:16,585 --> 01:25:18,984
Screw you, pal.
I belong to John Bennett.

1576
01:25:19,064 --> 01:25:22,584
But I can give you love,
and rocking horses,

1577
01:25:23,184 --> 01:25:24,665
and dancing.

1578
01:25:24,945 --> 01:25:27,304
I think we're very
far apart on this.

1579
01:25:46,824 --> 01:25:48,464
Ted!

1580
01:26:34,544 --> 01:26:35,504
Oh, my God!

1581
01:26:35,584 --> 01:26:36,784
Ted!

1582
01:26:38,984 --> 01:26:40,024
John.

1583
01:26:40,664 --> 01:26:42,424
Lori, get the stuffing.
Get it all.

1584
01:26:47,704 --> 01:26:49,104
Johnny.

1585
01:26:49,304 --> 01:26:50,944
You're going to be okay, buddy.
Do you understand?

1586
01:26:51,024 --> 01:26:52,224
You're going to be fine.

1587
01:26:53,024 --> 01:26:55,984
Jesus, I look like
the robot from Aliens.

1588
01:26:56,064 --> 01:26:57,864
No, look at me, buddy.

1589
01:26:57,944 --> 01:26:59,384
I promise,
you're going to be okay.

1590
01:27:00,584 --> 01:27:02,944
I don't think so. I'm...

1591
01:27:04,864 --> 01:27:05,904
I'm in trouble.

1592
01:27:06,864 --> 01:27:07,864
I need...

1593
01:27:08,344 --> 01:27:09,784
I need to
tell you something.

1594
01:27:10,264 --> 01:27:11,384
What is it?

1595
01:27:13,544 --> 01:27:16,264
Don't ever lose her again.

1596
01:27:16,984 --> 01:27:19,063
She's the most important...

1597
01:27:21,424 --> 01:27:23,664
...the most important
part of your life.

1598
01:27:25,584 --> 01:27:28,184
Even more than me.

1599
01:27:29,264 --> 01:27:31,704
She's your
thunder buddy now.

1600
01:27:32,824 --> 01:27:34,584
She's...

1601
01:28:15,744 --> 01:28:17,223
I got it.

1602
01:28:32,344 --> 01:28:34,383
Baby, I don't know if
this is going to work.

1603
01:28:34,464 --> 01:28:35,544
Please, just try.

1604
01:28:45,183 --> 01:28:46,784
Come on, buddy.

1605
01:29:31,384 --> 01:29:33,664
I'm so sorry.

1606
01:29:34,104 --> 01:29:36,824
You did everything
you could.

1607
01:29:37,504 --> 01:29:39,424
I'm so sorry.

1608
01:32:07,503 --> 01:32:08,424
Ted!

1609
01:32:08,503 --> 01:32:09,543
I'm alive, Johnny!

1610
01:32:09,703 --> 01:32:10,663
Oh, my God!

1611
01:32:10,743 --> 01:32:12,944
I'm alive.
Your magical wish worked!

1612
01:32:13,743 --> 01:32:14,743
You're back!

1613
01:32:14,943 --> 01:32:16,743
Yeah, I mean,
when you sewed me up

1614
01:32:16,823 --> 01:32:18,623
you put some of the stuffing
in the wrong places

1615
01:32:18,703 --> 01:32:20,423
so I'm a little fucked up.

1616
01:32:20,503 --> 01:32:23,223
But will you take care of me
forever and ever?

1617
01:32:25,263 --> 01:32:27,183
I'm just Kidding you.
I thought it would be funny

1618
01:32:27,263 --> 01:32:28,783
if you thought
I was fucking retarded.

1619
01:32:29,143 --> 01:32:30,263
You asshole!

1620
01:32:30,663 --> 01:32:32,503
Come here, you bastard.

1621
01:32:34,263 --> 01:32:35,263
Ah!

1622
01:32:35,543 --> 01:32:36,863
Welcome back, Ted.

1623
01:32:39,463 --> 01:32:40,463
It was you.

1624
01:32:41,663 --> 01:32:42,663
You did it.

1625
01:32:43,103 --> 01:32:44,423
Son of a bitch!

1626
01:32:44,903 --> 01:32:46,503
You wished for
my life back.

1627
01:32:46,743 --> 01:32:48,943
No. No.

1628
01:32:49,143 --> 01:32:50,863
I wished for my life back.

1629
01:33:03,103 --> 01:33:04,103
I love you.

1630
01:33:04,503 --> 01:33:06,143
I love you, too.

1631
01:33:08,063 --> 01:33:10,823
And I want you to know that,
after last night

1632
01:33:10,903 --> 01:33:13,823
I don't ever want to lose anyone
who matters to me ever again.

1633
01:33:13,903 --> 01:33:16,103
I'm not going to wait any
longer for my life to start.

1634
01:33:17,063 --> 01:33:18,463
Lori,

1635
01:33:19,783 --> 01:33:21,223
will you marry me?

1636
01:33:22,823 --> 01:33:25,463
All I ever wanted
was you, John Bennett.

1637
01:33:30,343 --> 01:33:34,943
<i> And so John, Lori and
Ted lived happily ever after.</i>

1638
01:33:35,223 --> 01:33:39,902
<i>Having discovered at last, that all
they really needed was each other.</i>

1639
01:33:42,143 --> 01:33:45,103
<i>John and Lori were
married in Cambridge</i>

1640
01:33:45,183 --> 01:33:48,343
<i>by a very special
Justice of the Peace.</i>

1641
01:33:48,983 --> 01:33:51,623
By the power vested in me

1642
01:33:51,702 --> 01:33:54,582
by the New York Jets

1643
01:33:54,703 --> 01:33:58,543
and by the united peoples
of the planet Mongo,

1644
01:33:58,663 --> 01:34:02,303
I now pronounce
you man and wife.

1645
01:34:02,383 --> 01:34:04,583
You may kiss the bride,
Johnny.

1646
01:34:22,343 --> 01:34:25,223
Hi. Tom Skerritt.

1647
01:34:25,623 --> 01:34:27,063
Tom Skerritt! Wow!

1648
01:34:27,502 --> 01:34:29,663
Thanks so much for coming.

1649
01:34:29,743 --> 01:34:32,823
My daughter better be alive,
you sick son of a bitch.

1650
01:34:33,942 --> 01:34:36,863
I am so fake-happy
for her.

1651
01:35:02,663 --> 01:35:05,863
You know, Sam, there's only
one way to end a perfect day.

1652
01:35:05,943 --> 01:35:06,862
What's that?

1653
01:35:06,943 --> 01:35:07,982
Flash jump.

1654
01:35:08,063 --> 01:35:09,622
Right.

1655
01:35:09,703 --> 01:35:12,583
One, two, three!

1656
01:35:12,743 --> 01:35:14,903
Yeah!

1657
01:35:18,422 --> 01:35:22,023
<i> And that's the story
of how one magical wish</i>

1658
01:35:22,102 --> 01:35:26,342
<i>forever changed the lives
of three very special friends.</i>

1659
01:35:26,742 --> 01:35:31,262
<i>Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their
torrid love affair for quite some time.</i>

1660
01:35:31,343 --> 01:35:34,503
<i>One afternoon, Ted was caught
behind the deli counter</i>

1661
01:35:34,582 --> 01:35:37,902
<i>eating potato salad off of
Tami-Lynn's bare bottom.</i>

1662
01:35:37,982 --> 01:35:41,263
<i>He was instantly
promoted to store manager.</i>

1663
01:35:41,623 --> 01:35:43,823
<i>Sam Jones moved
back to Hollywood</i>

1664
01:35:43,902 --> 01:35:46,382
<i>with the goal of
restarting his film career.</i>

1665
01:35:46,463 --> 01:35:48,302
<i>He currently
resides in Burbank</i>

1666
01:35:48,383 --> 01:35:50,263
<i>where he shares
a studio apartment</i>

1667
01:35:51,062 --> 01:35:52,503
<i>with his roommate,
Brandon Routh.</i>

1668
01:35:52,582 --> 01:35:56,142
<i>Remember Brandon Routh from
that God-awful Superman movie?</i>

1669
01:35:56,222 --> 01:35:57,622
<i>Jesus Christ!</i>

1670
01:35:57,703 --> 01:36:01,423
<i>Thanks for getting our hopes up
and taking a giant shit on us.</i>

1671
01:36:01,783 --> 01:36:04,862
<i>Rex was forced to give up
his pursuit of Lori.</i>

1672
01:36:04,943 --> 01:36:07,742
<i>Not long afterward, he fell
into a deep depression</i>

1673
01:36:07,823 --> 01:36:10,063
<i>and died of
Lou Gehrig's disease.</i>

1674
01:36:10,502 --> 01:36:12,903
<i>Donny was arrested
by Boston police</i>

1675
01:36:12,982 --> 01:36:15,622
<i>and charged with
kidnapping a plush toy.</i>

1676
01:36:15,702 --> 01:36:18,143
<i>The charges were dropped
when everyone realized</i>

1677
01:36:18,222 --> 01:36:20,623
<i>how completely stupid
that sounded.</i>

1678
01:36:21,062 --> 01:36:24,342
<i>Robert got a trainer, lost a
substantial amount of weight</i>

1679
01:36:24,423 --> 01:36:25,663
<i>and went on to become</i>

1680
01:36:25,742 --> 01:36:27,702
<i>Taylor Lautner.</i>